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This has been a topic of discussion on both the Adoption.com groups and the ATN lists, so I figured it was a good topic to blog about.
Some kids have really poor hygiene. They may take a bath or shower, but not use soap. Some kids may not bathe at all for days, weeks, or months at a time. Some kids will wear the same clothes every day, or not bother to wash their clothes and just re-wear their dirty clothes.
For the most part, these behaviors are intentional. Occasionally, there will be a child who does not understand what basic hygiene is, but for the most part it’s a choice.
Why would a child choose to stink?
Sexual abuse – Kids who have been sexually abused use body odor and hygiene as a way to ward off predators. If they soil their clothes, don’t bathe, or don’t change clothes, they will eventually become offensive smelling. This will keep people at a distance and people who don’t get close can’t abuse them.
Attachment issues – Kids who don’t feel loved or don’t want to get to close to someone use hygiene much the same way as the sexually abused child. They don’t want to be hugged or kissed because that means this person cares about them, and that is scary. If people care, they might start to care and when that has happened in the past they have been physically or emotionally hurt. Rather than risk that pain again, it’s safer to keep everyone away.
Control issues – Can you make a child bathe? Well, if this is a small child you can physically plop them in the tub and wash their hair and bodies. With older children this becomes much more difficult, and you can open yourself up to potential abuse allegations by watching an eleven year old boy shower. They know this, so it becomes a battle. How long can I go before you break down and try to force me to do this? It’s kind of like poking you with a sharp stick. How many times can I do it before you crack?
Emotional issues – Sometimes kids do things to convey their inner feeling rather than talking about them. Your child may be telling you that they feel gross and disgusting, or unclean. The Free Dictionary defines “Unclean” as
un•clean
adj. un•clean•er, un•clean•est
1. Foul or dirty.
2. Morally defiled; unchaste.
3. Ceremonially impure.
The first two definitions can describe our children’s feelings quite well. If they feel responsible for their abuse, or have heard these words used to describe themselves in the past, this may be their internal feeling.
A large part of dealing with this issue is figuring out the reasons behind it. Sometimes it may just be age appropriate behavior. Little boys and dirt usually go together. They don’t like to take baths and get clean. If the behavior is not age appropriate, the motivation behind it is going to be key to helping your child.
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