Comments on: How to help a child deal with abuse http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/how-to-help-a-child-deal-with-abuse News and information for those planning to adopt through foster care as well as firsthand accounts of those who have. Tue, 09 Mar 2010 18:12:20 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Kelly http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/how-to-help-a-child-deal-with-abuse/comment-page-1#comment-1726 Kelly Wed, 29 Aug 2007 14:04:15 +0000 http://foster-adopt.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/25/how-to-help-a-child-deal-with-abuse#comment-1726 Elaine-<br /> <br /> You are an awesome incredible lady, and you know I love you.<br /> <br /> I'm a writer, so I would write down all the things you never got to say, or if you're comfortable with it, go to their graves and say it out loud. Tell them what they did, and how it made you feel. Tell them all the things you lost in life because of what they did.<br /> <br /> What do you tell your kids to do? Do it for you!! Elaine-

You are an awesome incredible lady, and you know I love you.

I’m a writer, so I would write down all the things you never got to say, or if you’re comfortable with it, go to their graves and say it out loud. Tell them what they did, and how it made you feel. Tell them all the things you lost in life because of what they did.

What do you tell your kids to do? Do it for you!!

]]> By: a04toyou http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/how-to-help-a-child-deal-with-abuse/comment-page-1#comment-1720 a04toyou Wed, 29 Aug 2007 00:47:59 +0000 http://foster-adopt.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/25/how-to-help-a-child-deal-with-abuse#comment-1720 Kelly, What can I do to heal the child inside me who too was emotionally/physically abused by my parents (now both have died)? The adult part of me is doing great. It is the little girl who is still raw. When the abusers are the parents, is it really realistic to believe the child can EVER heal if they are not exposed to caring and not abusive caretakers? I didn't know people lived any differently--always nice in public but home was a nightmare. I think the only solice I felt was when I stayed with my Grandma and pretended I never had to go home. Guess that became my reality and why I may be able to reach my eight children at home. When I see my child with pain in their eyes, I ALWAYS RESPOND by acknowledging their sadness. Maybe other people don't know what pain looks like when it when you can see a physical source--it pours (screams silently) from their eyes. Elaine Kelly, What can I do to heal the child inside me who too was emotionally/physically abused by my parents (now both have died)? The adult part of me is doing great. It is the little girl who is still raw. When the abusers are the parents, is it really realistic to believe the child can EVER heal if they are not exposed to caring and not abusive caretakers? I didn’t know people lived any differently–always nice in public but home was a nightmare. I think the only solice I felt was when I stayed with my Grandma and pretended I never had to go home. Guess that became my reality and why I may be able to reach my eight children at home. When I see my child with pain in their eyes, I ALWAYS RESPOND by acknowledging their sadness. Maybe other people don’t know what pain looks like when it when you can see a physical source–it pours (screams silently) from their eyes. Elaine

]]> By: John http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/how-to-help-a-child-deal-with-abuse/comment-page-1#comment-1725 John Mon, 27 Aug 2007 02:55:34 +0000 http://foster-adopt.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/25/how-to-help-a-child-deal-with-abuse#comment-1725 Faith, thank you for your comments. My problems were with the first two that came home. I had never heard of anything like what they had lived through, and no, the agency was very vague on details. To me it was shock, revulsion, great anger, and feeling like a fish out of water. Yes I wanted to be a listner, but what was my facial expression? Their stories struck me as beyond anything you would see in a demented movie. By number three and four, I was used to being exposed to stories of bad abuse. Even at the beginning, I was careful to make sure they heard that nothing that had happened to them would change my feelings for them.<br /> <br /> Today I still have a lot of anger at what other people did to my sons. I think any parent would feel that. Well, maybe not any parent, the kids were abused by their parents. John Faith, thank you for your comments. My problems were with the first two that came home. I had never heard of anything like what they had lived through, and no, the agency was very vague on details. To me it was shock, revulsion, great anger, and feeling like a fish out of water. Yes I wanted to be a listner, but what was my facial expression? Their stories struck me as beyond anything you would see in a demented movie. By number three and four, I was used to being exposed to stories of bad abuse. Even at the beginning, I was careful to make sure they heard that nothing that had happened to them would change my feelings for them.

Today I still have a lot of anger at what other people did to my sons. I think any parent would feel that. Well, maybe not any parent, the kids were abused by their parents. John

]]> By: NCOZADD@aol.com http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/how-to-help-a-child-deal-with-abuse/comment-page-1#comment-1724 NCOZADD@aol.com Sun, 26 Aug 2007 20:56:37 +0000 http://foster-adopt.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/25/how-to-help-a-child-deal-with-abuse#comment-1724 Very wise advice Kelly. Not only with these things help a child to heal, but also prevent the child from becomming a victim again.<br /> <br /> Great post! Very wise advice Kelly. Not only with these things help a child to heal, but also prevent the child from becomming a victim again.

Great post!

]]> By: Faith Allen http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/how-to-help-a-child-deal-with-abuse/comment-page-1#comment-1723 Faith Allen Sun, 26 Aug 2007 14:30:22 +0000 http://foster-adopt.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/25/how-to-help-a-child-deal-with-abuse#comment-1723 Good post, Kelly!!<br /> <br /> I read the whole thing thinking, "Yep. That's obvious." So I was surprised to read John's comment about this "basic" stuff NOT being obvious to a non-survivor. I guess we really do have more to share than we think. :0)<br /> <br /> John - The child has already lived a life of being silenced. He NEEDS to talk about it as often and as graphically as he feels the need to do. I did this mostly by posting my story on a message board for survivors one piece at a time. I HAD to tell it graphically because I had to break the silence. Telling the gory details felt like pouring poison out of my soul.<br /> <br /> "Unfortuantely, it is very uncomfortable for a parent to hear their child describe a really awful abusive event."<br /> <br /> I assure you that it was 1,000 times harder for your child to LIVE what he is sharing as a helpless child with no support. If he could live through the abuse as a helpless child, then you, as an adult, can find a way to handle hearing about it. Your child NEEDS you to find a way to do this.<br /> <br /> Fortunately for me, I had a therapist and a close friend who were able to handle hearing the details. Most other people could not handle hearing my story, and I saw their discomfort as a rejection of ME. I cannot emphasize strongly enough how important it is for you to listen to your child's story and tell him repeatedly that it was not his fault and that NOTHING that anyone ever did to him can change how precious he is to you.<br /> <br /> I think you are a GREAT dad, and I am so impressed with all you do to provide your children with the love they need to heal.<br /> <br /> Take care,<br /> <br /> - Faith Good post, Kelly!!

I read the whole thing thinking, “Yep. That’s obvious.” So I was surprised to read John’s comment about this “basic” stuff NOT being obvious to a non-survivor. I guess we really do have more to share than we think. :0)

John – The child has already lived a life of being silenced. He NEEDS to talk about it as often and as graphically as he feels the need to do. I did this mostly by posting my story on a message board for survivors one piece at a time. I HAD to tell it graphically because I had to break the silence. Telling the gory details felt like pouring poison out of my soul.

“Unfortuantely, it is very uncomfortable for a parent to hear their child describe a really awful abusive event.”

I assure you that it was 1,000 times harder for your child to LIVE what he is sharing as a helpless child with no support. If he could live through the abuse as a helpless child, then you, as an adult, can find a way to handle hearing about it. Your child NEEDS you to find a way to do this.

Fortunately for me, I had a therapist and a close friend who were able to handle hearing the details. Most other people could not handle hearing my story, and I saw their discomfort as a rejection of ME. I cannot emphasize strongly enough how important it is for you to listen to your child’s story and tell him repeatedly that it was not his fault and that NOTHING that anyone ever did to him can change how precious he is to you.

I think you are a GREAT dad, and I am so impressed with all you do to provide your children with the love they need to heal.

Take care,

- Faith

]]> By: Kelly http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/how-to-help-a-child-deal-with-abuse/comment-page-1#comment-1722 Kelly Sun, 26 Aug 2007 13:55:02 +0000 http://foster-adopt.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/25/how-to-help-a-child-deal-with-abuse#comment-1722 Yes, it is very hard for parents to hear it. Even as a parent who was abused, it is still hard for me to hear about the ways my kids were hurt. You CAN express anger at the abuser and share that with your child.<br /> <br /> One of the main questions that children will have is "Does this mean I will hurt someone?" Yes, it is very hard for parents to hear it. Even as a parent who was abused, it is still hard for me to hear about the ways my kids were hurt. You CAN express anger at the abuser and share that with your child.

One of the main questions that children will have is “Does this mean I will hurt someone?”

]]> By: John http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/how-to-help-a-child-deal-with-abuse/comment-page-1#comment-1721 John Sun, 26 Aug 2007 06:55:47 +0000 http://foster-adopt.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/25/how-to-help-a-child-deal-with-abuse#comment-1721 Kelly, thanks for the post. I'm sure it all seems logical to someone who has been a victim. To someone with no background, you wonder how far you should let the child get into the retelling, fear that you are doing more damage. I can see that the problem is letting the child tell it all without any brakes, unless he is really losing it. Unfortuantely, it is very uncomfortable for a parent to hear their child describe a really awful abusive event. John Kelly, thanks for the post. I’m sure it all seems logical to someone who has been a victim. To someone with no background, you wonder how far you should let the child get into the retelling, fear that you are doing more damage. I can see that the problem is letting the child tell it all without any brakes, unless he is really losing it. Unfortuantely, it is very uncomfortable for a parent to hear their child describe a really awful abusive event. John

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