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In my last blog, I explained all the wrong things done when dealing with my own sexual abuse.
What do you do if you truly want to help a child instead of sweeping it under the rug? There are plenty of things you can do.
Acknowledge the abuse – In my own personal opinion that is one of the things that many people do wrong. There may be comfort, physical exams, legal issues, etc., but actually putting words to what happened to the child is important. Tell the child that you KNOW and BELIEVE they were hurt. It goes a long way.
Counseling – This one should be obvious, but it needs to be addressed. Not every counselor or therapist is equipped to deal with the child’s trauma. A professional who has experience in sexual abuse or trauma will be key to helping the child heal.
Reassure the child – Let the child know that they did not do anything wrong. Many abusers blame the child. “You MADE me do this to you.” Think of the husband battering his wife and telling her that it’s her fault that he beats her. Sometimes parents try to make sense of things, and in turn accuse the child without realizing it. “Why were you in the car with him?” can be taken as an accusation or admonishment even if it is a fact finding question.
Allowing the child to talk – Keeping the subject taboo will only reinforce to the child that they have done something wrong. Let the child know that you are there to listen to any thoughts, feelings, memories, or to answer any questions.
“Peer” support – Talking to others who have been through similar abuse can be very helpful. When my kids learned that I had gone through the same things that they had, it helped them feel less alone. They knew I understood the hurt, both mental and physical.
Explain legal proceedings – If you have to go through legal proceedings or physical exams with your child, try to explain as much of the process as you can. Telling a child that they have to tell someone what happened to them, or talk to the police is scary and overwhelming, even if it someone that they know. Telling my neighbors that their son raped me (I didn’t use those words) was incredibly terrifying, especially when I was not prepared for it. I walked into my house one day to see these people sitting there and my parents telling me to tell them what happened. It was such a traumatic moment that I can remember it vividly and it’s been 30 years since it happened.
This is one of those times when The Golden Rule can get you through plenty of things. Think of how you would want to be treated if you were the one who had been hurt. What would you want people to do for you?
Kelly, thanks for the post. I’m sure it all seems logical to someone who has been a victim. To someone with no background, you wonder how far you should let the child get into the retelling, fear that you are doing more damage. I can see that the problem is letting the child tell it all without any brakes, unless he is really losing it. Unfortuantely, it is very uncomfortable for a parent to hear their child describe a really awful abusive event. John
Yes, it is very hard for parents to hear it. Even as a parent who was abused, it is still hard for me to hear about the ways my kids were hurt. You CAN express anger at the abuser and share that with your child.
One of the main questions that children will have is “Does this mean I will hurt someone?”
Good post, Kelly!!
I read the whole thing thinking, “Yep. That’s obvious.” So I was surprised to read John’s comment about this “basic” stuff NOT being obvious to a non-survivor. I guess we really do have more to share than we think. :0)
John – The child has already lived a life of being silenced. He NEEDS to talk about it as often and as graphically as he feels the need to do. I did this mostly by posting my story on a message board for survivors one piece at a time. I HAD to tell it graphically because I had to break the silence. Telling the gory details felt like pouring poison out of my soul.
“Unfortuantely, it is very uncomfortable for a parent to hear their child describe a really awful abusive event.”
I assure you that it was 1,000 times harder for your child to LIVE what he is sharing as a helpless child with no support. If he could live through the abuse as a helpless child, then you, as an adult, can find a way to handle hearing about it. Your child NEEDS you to find a way to do this.
Fortunately for me, I had a therapist and a close friend who were able to handle hearing the details. Most other people could not handle hearing my story, and I saw their discomfort as a rejection of ME. I cannot emphasize strongly enough how important it is for you to listen to your child’s story and tell him repeatedly that it was not his fault and that NOTHING that anyone ever did to him can change how precious he is to you.
I think you are a GREAT dad, and I am so impressed with all you do to provide your children with the love they need to heal.
Take care,
- Faith
Very wise advice Kelly. Not only with these things help a child to heal, but also prevent the child from becomming a victim again.
Great post!
Faith, thank you for your comments. My problems were with the first two that came home. I had never heard of anything like what they had lived through, and no, the agency was very vague on details. To me it was shock, revulsion, great anger, and feeling like a fish out of water. Yes I wanted to be a listner, but what was my facial expression? Their stories struck me as beyond anything you would see in a demented movie. By number three and four, I was used to being exposed to stories of bad abuse. Even at the beginning, I was careful to make sure they heard that nothing that had happened to them would change my feelings for them.
Today I still have a lot of anger at what other people did to my sons. I think any parent would feel that. Well, maybe not any parent, the kids were abused by their parents. John
Kelly, What can I do to heal the child inside me who too was emotionally/physically abused by my parents (now both have died)? The adult part of me is doing great. It is the little girl who is still raw. When the abusers are the parents, is it really realistic to believe the child can EVER heal if they are not exposed to caring and not abusive caretakers? I didn’t know people lived any differently–always nice in public but home was a nightmare. I think the only solice I felt was when I stayed with my Grandma and pretended I never had to go home. Guess that became my reality and why I may be able to reach my eight children at home. When I see my child with pain in their eyes, I ALWAYS RESPOND by acknowledging their sadness. Maybe other people don’t know what pain looks like when it when you can see a physical source–it pours (screams silently) from their eyes. Elaine
Elaine-
You are an awesome incredible lady, and you know I love you.
I’m a writer, so I would write down all the things you never got to say, or if you’re comfortable with it, go to their graves and say it out loud. Tell them what they did, and how it made you feel. Tell them all the things you lost in life because of what they did.
What do you tell your kids to do? Do it for you!!