How long does it take for a foster child to get over the trauma of their early abuse or neglect? This is a question I am pondering. I have been blogging about my own abuse, and I’ve been very honest about what happened to me.

This past weekend, when I was at my women’s retreat, I was talking to a friend who goes to a different church than I do. They are dealing with the issue that a convicted sex offender wants to attend their church. He was a member before the conviction and he wants to return. Needless to say, this is causing great turmoil in the church.

I told my friend how I would feel about having a sex offender in my church, since I was a victim myself. I was honest with my feelings, as I don’t believe in beating around the bush anymore. Both she and another friend pointed out to me how angry I was. I didn’t FEEL angry, but apparently I presented quite differently.

I ended up in tears, still denying my anger. I am grateful to my friends for pointing this out to me, because I thought that I had dealt with my abuse pretty well. I thought I was “healed”. I now realize I have some healing to do yet.

All of that being said, my sexual abuse ended thirty years ago, and I still have anger. So, the question is, do we ever get over it, or does it always remain there? In Nancy’s analogy of the horse and zebra the trauma never fully goes away. I think my mini-therapy session at the retreat is proof of that.

One of my friends asked if there was a “positive” part of my abuse, or what good can come of it. Yes, there is a positive side to it. I understand the feelings of my kids and other abused kids. I’m not sure all abuse survivors would or could feel that way.

I’ve come to the conclusion that healing and forgetting are two different things. Along the same lines as forgiving and forgetting. You can still remember what happened, but remaining in anger allows the abuser to still have control of you. Healing involves letting go of the anger. This is where our kids get stuck, and apparently, so am I.

Getting stuck in anger will look different in each child. In some kids it will be obvious and overt. Sammy is an obvious and overt child. He wears his heart, and his anger, on his sleeve. In other kids it may not be noticeable at all. Here is an example of my own. I am overweight. Not just a little bit, but about 75 pounds. I am terrified of being raped again, so I divert attention from myself by remaining overweight. I fight a constant battle of not being happy with my body, but at the same time being afraid to draw attention that may hurt me again.

To the outside world I just look fat. They have no idea of my inner “demons”. Your child may fight a similar battle that they never share with you.

So back to the original question – How long does it take to heal? Unfortunately, I can’t answer that question. I think that healing, like attachment, is a continuum. We can function in a “normal” life, but the trauma will always be with us in some way.

Other blogs on sexual abuse

Nancy’s horse and zebra blogs

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