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Every so often Hannah will call me Mama and it strikes me that a couple of years ago I wasn’t her mom. A couple of years ago I was a respite provider, a friend to her parents, a support system for their family and various other things, but I wasn’t her mom.
I don’t know why this only hits me at certain times, but when it does I realize this beautiful little girl is calling me something that I both am and am not. I did not give birth to this girl and others have filled the role of mom in her life as well.
This makes me wonder about our kids and how they are expected to change from one mom to the next, call that person mom and love them, even when they don’t feel it. When Hannah calls me Mama, she feels that I am her mom, but it took some time to get here. Having had years of experience in this, I didn’t expect her to feel that I was her mom. She was fortunate in some respects that she had time to get used to me before she had to think of me as mom. She was here for several occasions and for extended periods of time. She got to know me without thinking she was going to have to live with me, unlike the way things usually work with our kids.
Normally we have visits where we are “trying each other out” to see if the match works. We try on the mom, dad and kid roles to see how they feel. Hannah and I got to know each other as people first. Then we tried on the relationship.
I wonder what it’s like to have had several moms. I’ve only had one my entire life. How would I feel if I had had different moms, was expected to think of them as mom, call them mom and form that relationship? What does it feel like for our kids? At what point did I go from being a caretaker to actually being loved and trusted by my kids and for them to truly feel that I was their mother? I wonder what their definition of “Mom” is.
The enormity of that word or name and the feeling behind it sometimes blows me away. My daughter trusts me and knows that I will take care of her. She knows that no matter what she does, I will be here for her and love her. When you think of what our kids have been through the fact that they can trust us at all is amazing.
It also blows me away because I have never had this feeling with Sammy at all. Sammy has been my son for over 9 years, but I have never felt the enormity or power when he calls me Mom that I have with Hannah. The way my kids love me and trust me is totally different. It is a part of their history and the fact that Sammy’s life included many more moves and multiple mental health diagnoses. This does not make him any better or worse than Hannah, just that he loves me differently.
Here’s hoping that someday you get to feel the enormity of the power of this type of love and trust.
I love what you have written. It has been a hard weekend. I have 1 adopted son and 2 currently in Foster to Adopt (I live in Zambia and going through their system where you foster first then adopt).
Lyson my oldest is wonderful (as I tell him everyday). He was 10 when we met and a single orphan (no father mother still alive), we were neighbors, friends until a year into our relationship when his mother died, it was then I became his mother. 6 year later I’m still Megan, but from time-to-time when I’m nagging him or he needs something he will call me Mommy. I always laugh. When talking about me to others he will call me mom. In my heart I know that he knows I’m his mother. We talk about how lucky he is to have two Mothers, Patuma is still an important part of his life. We talk about her often and he shares memories of how he enjoyed talking with her at night. We are lucky in the fact that his grandparents are still alive so we try to see them a few times a year, and have pictures of them through out the house.
Willy (6) the youngest, calls me Megan, though I feel that he considers me his mommy. He cuddles with me often and has really bonded with me. When hurt or sad he runs to me for comfort, and loves to tell me about his day.
Peter (11) the middle child who has gone through hell (death of 3 caretakers who he truly loved, then residing with an abusive uncle, who he ran away from and lived in the streets for a few weeks before Social Welfare came and get him) Peter calls me mom when Friends are around, but Megan when it’s just the family. He has yet to really bond with me. He knows I will not hurt, or leave him, he knows that I will be with him forever but he has yet to allow me to be his “mom” in his heart. I try to keep the memory of his birth family alive. I ask about the special things they did, how lucky he now is to have two families. I talk about Lyson’s family and how maybe one day we can look for his brothers and sisters and have them apart of his life again. I talk about how I pray to his parents are night and ask for their assistance in raising him, but he does not believe they can talk back to me or that God is watching over him. He refuses to call the other boys his “brother”. It’s so hard for him. I feel terrible and cannot imagine how much the pain is in his heart. I wonder when I will become his “mom” to him. I wonder if he will allow his heart to open up yet again to someone, I see it from time-to-time, when this happened he quickly pulls back when he realizes he is vulnerable. I cannot blame him. All I can do is to be there for him. I know one day he will come around it might be when he becomes a father, but it will be worth it in the end.
It does not bother me that the boys call me Megan or Mom. I know what I am to each of them, it’s not the title I need, but the feeling I get when tucking them in, when they do something wonderful, come to me for comfort or come for help with a problem.
I too find it amazing that other people feel the same way that I do. We have been foster parents for almost 7 years in Oregon. We have two children that we have adopted through the foster system and we currently have one in foster care that we have just learned that we are her adoptive placement. We are so very excited about this.
This little one is 12 and she has had multiple moves. Many, Many care takers. She was in an adoptive placement with her younger sister but she has some issues that the adoptive parents just could not deal with, as they are an older couple and it just was not a correct placement. This family was apart of our support group and so we were able to get to know her on a personal level first as well as we did provide some respite care for her. She has now been in our home for 6 months and we are still Kevin and Tracie. When she is asked by friends why she calls us by our first name, she says “I have had many moms and dads I need to know that they will be here for me.” It almost breaks your heart.
Our two other children are 3 and 4 and we have had them since they were infants they have no memory of their bio family so we are mom and dad no questions asked.
I know that she loves us and she knows that we love her just as we have all of the others. I too agree that even though they trust us there is this magical moment when it clicks with them. I also know that the day that she calls us mom and dad, (if ever) will be a day that I will never forget.