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One of my readers commented on a post about Hannah and asked if I had ever dealt with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder).
Three of the four kids that I have parented have had attachment issues in one form or another. Sammy has by far been the most severe.
The main issue was not knowing about attachment disorder when we first started parenting. When Sammy was first placed in our home almost nine years ago, there were no training classes, and there was nothing about attachment issues in the file we received.
It wasn’t until three years later when we were having meetings prior to Kory’s placement with us that we first heard the term RAD. We didn’t know what it was, so I did an on-line search and found the RAD checklist. I was floored by what I read. I looked at my husband and said “I don’t know if Kory has RAD, but Sammy certainly fits this.” Sammy had every symptom except for two.
Kory joined our home within a few weeks of my reading that checklist, and three months later his newborn sister joined us. I didn’t have the time to investigated RAD. I had a newborn with medical special needs, and two boys that had behavioral issues. I didn’t have time to sleep, much less learn about new disorders.
It wasn’t until our abuse investigation and the loss of Kory and Mackenzie that we had the time or the severe need to further investigate attachment disorder. Losing his brother and sister further escalated Sammy’s attachment issues and fueled his anger in ways I had never seen before.
I placed a call to the worker for Kory and Mackenzie because we had tried everything we knew to deal with Sammy’s anger and violence and we were getting nowhere. She referred me to the attachment therapist that we used for a year and a half. It was such a relief to us.
While the therapy helped, Sammy’s unwillingness to participate could not be overcome. The attachment therapist was the first one to mention residential treatment and Borderline Personality Disorder.
We spent a lot of hours working on attachment issues and learning everything we could. The more I learned the more I wished I had done things differently with both of my boys.
The blessing was, when Hannah joined us, I knew what I needed to do and we approached attachment head on. I knew that Hannah had been through extensive therapy already and needed to break from it. I did full time therapeutic parenting with her and she was pretty much glued to my side for many months. She has come so very far and for the most part is a normal, happy, healthy six year old. We are working on getting our home study complete and finalizing her adoption.
Our experience with RAD has been at all ends of the spectrum. Sammy is the violent, in your face kind of kid and Kory was much more passive aggressive. I was not a very good mom during the time that I had all three kids. I had no clue what I was dealing with or how to handle it. If I had everything to do over again, I would change a lot of things.
RAD is a very bumpy road on its best days. Other days it’s like dropping off the steep end of a roller coaster, and I hate roller coasters. All that being said, would I take the same kids all over again? Absolutely. Knowing what I know now, I could be a much better mother to them than I was before.
RAD blogs
Nancy Thomas
Attachment & Trauma Network
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I have three sons with RAD, one severe, one moderate, and one who was mildly affected. I think the toughest part of parenting these kids is the degree to which you have to change your expectations of what your relationship will become.
It is a long term undertaking. The one who is severely affected did attach, but it took 10 years, and, as you can imagine, it isn’t complete attachment with no issues.
The moderate one also attached, and that was only a two year project. Foolishly, I complained to the threapist that he was very attached to me but I wanted him to begin to attach to other people. I got a lecture on what a miracle it was that he could attach to me, the therapist had not thought that would happen, and that I should appreciate the miracle that I had.. Of course we continue to work on attachment, don’t know where we will get to.
The one who was only mildly affected never did attach. Yes there is superficial attachment, but it is not real. I can’t tell you how much I wish he could taken the leap of faith and tried trusting, unfotunately, there was too much damage.
Today I wouldn’t shy away from attachment problems. but I would try to avoid RAD. John
We are new foster parents and have a newly turned two year old. She was taken from her home due to neglect at 18 months and has had two other placements in the last two months. She seems to have attached to me but the sleep issues are an issue. She wakes up screaming in the night and unable to calm or go back to sleep without me rocking, singing, holding her. I don’t mind now, but worry about the future. I can’t do this every night and she NEEDS more sleep. I think rocking her to sleep helps her calm down so I do that every night. She goes to daycare each day and falls asleep on her own, so the routine at our house is related to me. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle the sleep issues? There has been a discussion of RAD but no diagnosis or therapy yet (how frustrating!)