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In my previous blog, a reader asked:
Why would foster parents abuse there foster children if they went through abuse?
This is a great question. I don’t have statistics to back this up, this is just my personal opinion.
I think the main reason foster parents abuse is stress and/or frustration. Raising foster children and all the accompanying issues leads to high levels of stress. I think many parents are ill prepared to handle the issues our kids have. It’s not just the kids’ issues or behaviors, but all the accompanying issues that go with foster care. There is documentation, regular social worker visits, birth family visits, medical appointments and various other things. Foster parenting classes don’t always address things like this, or give you an accurate idea of how much time is truly involved in all of this.
There is also the issue of lack of resources. Placing workers do not always tell foster parents how to access the resources that they need in order to make a placement successful. Parents need to be able to find adequate respite care when needed, good therapists and psychiatric help, help with school issues, and so on. These are issues that most “regular” parents don’t have to deal with so turning to friends for information is usually not a solution.
There is also the issue of prior abuse. Some adults who were abused as children continue the cycle by abusing their own children. It’s the only form of discipline that they know because it’s what they learned as children. That’s not to say that every adult who was abused as a child will become an abuser, but it is a cause.
Parental mental health is also a major factor. I know when I had three special needs children, no respite, and a family who offered criticism instead of support, my stress level was extremely high and I was diagnosed with depression. Medication controls the symptoms, but not every foster parent gets the treatment they need. When faced with a choice of taking their child to the doctor or getting themselves to the doctor, the foster parent usually takes their child and puts their own medical or mental health care on the back burner.
None of the foster parents that I know want to abuse a child, or go into this intending to abuse a child. They want to help children and give them a better life. Yes, there are foster parents who don’t have the child’s best interest at heart, but the great majority do this for the love of children.
I just talked to a foster-adopt mom who is extremely stressed out. Her darling 8yo girl has been in her home only 3 months or so, and soon after she arrived, the foster dad deployed to Iraq for a lengthy tour. This child would Never have been placed in this situation (single mom for an extended time) if therapists had been forthcoming with the honest scoop on her behaviors and intentions. Huge decisions are made for children and for Families everyday, and those decisions are based on having accurate diagnoses and information. When professionals consistently downplay issues and are hazy on behaviors, families and the children they want to help can crash and burn !! This is a highly motivated, very intelligent, insightful mom with deep faith and compassion, and she was clearly set up. I am hoping to be able to offer some respite care this weekend — I understand she is a Truly Charming Child with strangers. Well, I don’t intend to remain a stranger for very long. — Rachel
What is the point of this post?
Are you making excuses for a foster parent who abuses?
Foster parents are supposed to be the oasis that children did not have at home. If we can’t be, get out! Don’t foster if you can’t hack it. Everyone has stress. Do we allow parents to say “oh I was having stress, that’s why I was abusive.”
Why would we, as foster parents, be allowed to even suggest that stress is a reason to abuse? It can’t be. It simply can’t. We have to be the ones that have ALL the resources. Does the worker not give you the answers? FIND THEM! Do you not know where to go for respite? LOOK IT UP! ASK! RESEARCH!
This is the age of technology. And like the Boy Scouts, we should “be prepared” before we have even one child in our home. Just like we expect parents to have everything ready before that baby slides down the birth canal, we should have our home and our mental disposition ready before the doorbell rings.
If we can’t do that, what business do we have huffing and puffing at parents when they do something wrong?