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Sammy called for his twice weekly phone call. He had a pretty deep question that is a tough one even for adults.
The center that Sammy is in is Christian based, which ranks high on the plus side for me. His call had much to do with a deeply theological question, but at the same time it’s a tough question for kids who have been through what our kids have.
Sammy asked me why I don’t forgive my mother. Well, that’s a loaded question. I told him that forgiving and trusting are two entirely different things. I said that I somewhat understand why she did what she did to me, but that I can’t trust her.
My past isn’t that different from my kids. I was abused by my mother both physically and emotionally. I understand the emotional issues that surround our kids. They want their mother’s approval and at the same time they are angry. Reconciling the two is very difficult.
Our kids have a hard time forgiving, and rightfully so. They have been through things that kids shouldn’t ever experience. The defense mechanism they develop is a lack of trust. In my case the person I don’t trust is my mother. She hasn’t changed. She is still an alcoholic, and as long as she is, I don’t trust her near my children. Even if she stopped drinking, it would take a long time for me to trust her.
In our kids, they go even further and distrust adults in general. Adults hurt them, therefore adults are bad. Because they are young they can’t distinguish between the adults that hurt them and other adults that try to help them.
When I explained the difference between forgiving and trusting to Sammy he seemed to understand. Whether or not it will help him or not I have no idea, but I hope that it gives him some peace and that he is able to move on. Maybe it will help him find some peace in regards to his birth parents, but I’m not sure he can make the leap to see how this applies to him as well.
It’s a tough concept, even for adults.
