Comments on: Food hoarding vs. stealing

By: nymom

nymom — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 21:20:28 +0000

As I was reading the postings, I read aloud to dh. He thought I was proof reading my OWN newly written posting. Seems we all have the same issues.
It IS stealing in our home. Power and Control. The kids hear me say that every day. We’re straight up. I tell them I am the Power and Control. Parents are supposed to be. In good times and in bad we’re here to be in charge.
They never had parents (as thusly defined) and aren’t quite sure they really want them to be honest. They liked calling their own shots in foster care and feeling separate from the foster family. Now they feel as though they are under control. They don’t get that that is the protective feel of a family. Some get it in their heads, but in their hearts it is harder still. Some get it on some days and not on others.
We have learned in the two years they’ve been here that we cannot change our rules. We have to keep the consequences consistent and small. “Steal again and you’re out of football.” Yea, he stole the next day to show us that there was NOTHING we could do to really be in charge. We keep pushing that YOU are in charge of your actions. And we try to reward those that do what they’re supposed to with loud and lavish praise and privileges. Doesn’t always work. Most of the kids want to be a victim and feel sorry for themselves. They want to hate and be angry. They don’t want to talk to a therapist because Being a Patient means you are broken. Not Being a Patient means you are a regular kid. The don’t want people to know they’re adopted, they like looking like my husband and hearing how much they look like him. They want to have always been here. They want to erase the bad stuff.
Hypnosis? If I thought it would work I would surely try it. That show Dollhouse, where they erase the mind of the person and give them a whole new past…. my kids LOVE it. Can’t get enough of it.
So we keep plugging on.

By: boston344

boston344 — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 05:54:24 +0000

Hello
Being an actual internationally adopted adult and have had problems with hoarding myself, I better than anyone might be able to explain this “phenominom” to you. Hoarding for every person is different. Many prefer food because it was what was lacking in orphanages, but hoarding with adopted kids can be anything that helps restore a sense of control which equals security. Regular discipline and talk of morals will actually do more harm than it will good. Adopted kids need attachment therapy for (RAD) to help solve security issues. Locking food, saying “no” and scolding are useless because adopted kids (especially when adopted internationally at older ages) have been physically and emotional torn from their biological parents. I realize many children go through horrible events I.e abuse, starvation but adoption is unique trauma because the adopted has such a sense of loss and abandonment. I am 24 and have been in traditional therapy ( add/conduct disorder/bipolar) since I was 6, but only since 4 years ago have I tried adoption therapy. Therapists are trained specifically for internationally adopted kids and are often adopted themselves.

Please never give up on your adopted child bc it honestly is not their fault they hoard. And yes, sammy is hoarding still even if it is not restricted to food and no, he is not a lost cause trust me good luck. If anyone lives in the Boston area I have great therapists if you need some help!

By: Sandman

Sandman — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 16:06:08 +0000

WOW…I am in the same boat as most of you. Last night I just happened to check under my daughters bed again and well you can guess what I found. Thats when I found this blog. I never thought it could be anything to do with her being adopted but we all have the same story. It made me realize my sister (who was also adopted) had the very same traits while we were growing up and she ended up with alot of eating issues that were not good. I think I will discuss it with our Doctor

By: from indy

from indy — Mon, 04 May 2009 14:53:11 +0000

We have had guardianship of my 6 yr old great nephew since he was 11 months of age. The past couple of months, i’ve had problems with him hoarding food, sneaking in the middle of the night in to the pantry, throwing old food behind his bed or behind his dresser. It is usally grapes, raisins, fruit snacks, apple cores, 1/2 eat sandwiches. If he wants something, he thinks that he can just take it regardless of what it is. I haven’t noticed him anything other than food but I’m scared it is going to lead that way. I have talked to him about this til I’m blue in the face but after getting into trouble 2 days ago for this, he had 2 packages of fruit snacks in his bed this morning. He does suffer from ADHD and is on medication but I can’t figure out why he does this. He did not have any bonding with his mom at birth (she left him when he was 4 months with family members and he was moved home to home with other members to care for him) but my husband and I have tried to make him feel as secure as we possibly can and we love him dearly. Has anyone found anything that helps?? I’m about to pull my hair out!

By: sherry1961

sherry1961 — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 04:10:39 +0000

Okay I’m at my wits end. My 12 year old DD is driving me nuts with this food thing. When I read some of these posts I think someone has a camera in my house and is telling MY drama in my house. She’s done it all the fundraiser thing yes she’s eaten many of them. The school doesn’t just send home candy fundraisers they make the parents sign a permission slip before the child can actually sell them. Well, my girly just forges my name and turns in the slip and eats 20 candy bars before she even comes home. Her backpack and pockets bulging with wrappers…then denys she even got the fund raiser to begin with. In my house if it has sugar in it she finds a way to get it and stuffs her face. No matter what I do to hide it. You’d think she was starving! Yesterday I caught her crawling on her hands and knees into the kitchen peeping in the pantry trying to get at the bakers chocolate. Well, its all gone. If I decide to bake anything ever again I’ll go to the store and get what I need. I keep talking to her about it her only comment is, “I don’t know why I do it.” I never deny her food. My take is its the thrill of sneaking. Nevertheless! Its driving me nuts. I feel like I have to keep one eye opened while I sleep when I actually sleep. To me I look at it like its stealing or an invasion…I wish I didn’t feel this way but I do. Last week she got into my grocery money and went to school and gave it all away. 400 bucks worth! One parent gave 100 back to me. The rest is history I guess. I’m afraid she doesn’t know what will eventually happen to her if she does this to someone who won’t be so forgiving. How can I make her understand this isn’t about food? Why won’t she just come to me when she wants a sweet snack and ask? A lot of whys and no solution. I hate the thought of locking my pantry up but I can’t seem to get a grip on this. I asked her why she keeps doing the same food thing over and over again…her reply was, “I just don’t try to stop but I suppose I can” What is is I’m doing wrong?

By: dig

dig — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 02:12:04 +0000

Our daughter has been with us since she was 2. She is now 12. She has taken food from day 1. She always has to eat the last of anything – the last apple, the last candy bar, the last of the milk – anything. I am constantly finding wrappers under her bed, beneath her mattress, in the back of her closet, etc. If anyone has any suggestions on how to handle this behavior I could really use your input. Nothing seems to work.

By: mtrvtkd

mtrvtkd — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 03:52:14 +0000

I hear your stoies, I have a 15 year old and 13 year old I got seven years ago. I am at a loss. Food money jewlery, what ever, It doesn’t matter. They steal and eat twenty bars at one time. But what can we do to help them STOP? I am almost to the point of a failed adoption becasue it is putting a strain on the whole family. I can’t take a break from them becasue they steal from all my friends. It’s not hording, Hording is hidding food, saving it. Stealing is sneaking, lying and hiding the evidence after they have all they want to eat. They have acess to fruit, bread, healthy things yet they steal whole jars of frosting, whole loves of break and eat it with whole jars of jelly. I ground them, take privilages away, etc. nothing works. they have been in counseling, seen doctors for control issues but everyone says the same thing, they can stop, its their choice, they are chosing this behavior, but what do I do to get them to stop?

By: eas719

eas719 — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 15:09:34 +0000

I am disheartened to read the many, many entries on this blog. Two years ago, my husband and I adopted a sibling group. Our 10 year old daughter has been stealing candy at night, eating it, and hiding the wrappers. She has even escalated into stealing a Nintendo game from another student in school.

I absolutely agree it is stealing, what saddens me is that I have not seen anyone offer any words of wisdom or advice on what to do about it. We have punished, grounded, taken away things....yet I caught her in the act last night.

I fear that my daughter will escalate this into something that will be a great deal of trouble for her. Does anyone have any advice?

By: shon borneman

shon borneman — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 18:52:43 +0000

Bravo, Nancy spoolstra for your comments. You posed a great question…”At what point, after how many years, does the onus belong to the child … to work WITH the parents to develop BETTER coping skills, rather than tenaciously cling to their pathological behaviors despite all efforts put forth by parents, teachers, counselors, etc.?” I have a foster child who does this and has been doing this for 4 years. It is not just stealing for him. Though a lot of the food taken is junk food, he will take anything, including tomato paste. This is a problem which has stemmed from being abused and neglected as an ifant in his birth home. Its a characteristic of reactive attachment disorder and is very common. However, allowing the child to keep a box of food in their bedroom when food in the bedroom is against the rules teaches them that rules are made to be broken or at least bent and using their past helps to bend or break them. Exactly how does this help the child? The only thing this does is allow them to hold on to these behaviors and feelings. What needs to happen is that the couselors who propose these “band-aids” for such behaviors need to work on resolutions of the problems. This will take many years and hard work. Providing “band-aids” nurtures the behavior not the resolution. We need to work with these children to have BETTER coping skills because the coping skills that some of you are suggesting are in no way going to help them in their adult life. Once they become adults, they will either make the decision to contiue not to cope and be on a path of destruction or they will want to cope and overcome and will have a lot of work to do when this all could have already been started for and with them in childhood.

By: peevedmomma

peevedmomma — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 17:20:25 +0000

I am in the same boat as tcoward above. My child is not adopted, she is ADHD and being treated for all sorts of emotional issues (mainly depression and anxiety) as well. And she just turned 8. She has the food hoarding issues, and much like Kelly’s son aims to take only those items that are yummy, bypassing all else. I have had her on several different reward programs, she is in counseling, and I am at a loss what else to do. Of course there are MANY other additional issues, including destructive behaviors, fire-starting behaviors and self-destructive behaviors. All of this has been happening for more than a year. At this point my daughter’s psychiatrist and psychologist seem to be looking at me, I think after reading these posts that they are thinking that perhaps I have inflicted the abuses on her that many of the adopted and foster children who behave this way have had. However I can say that my daughter was not raised or brought up in an abusive home and I am at a loss. Any suggestions or responses appreciated – also feel free to email me at nanders143@gmail.com. Many thanks to all!