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Julia wrote a very good blog on the Christian Adoption blog. It is something that we have dealt with many times in our own home.
Julia is being crucified for being upset with her daughter, and I’m joining the ranks with her because I happen to agree with her.
She said that her daughter “stole” some food from the house and everyone is up in arms over the term stealing. If she had said that her daughter was hoarding food, would everyone be equally upset?
I posted a blog about some of the discoveries we have had with Sammy stealing or hoarding food.
Kids who hoard food usually have come from backgrounds of neglect. When they hoard it is mostly about having it because they are not sure where or when their next meal is coming. They also eat themselves silly at the table. Many times kids who hoard food don’t eat what they hoard. Simply having it is their security measure.
However, when it comes to “stealing” food, that’s a totally different issue as far as I’m concerned. The rule in our house is that if you want “junk food” you have to ask. If you are truly hungry, you may help yourself to the fruit bowl, some cheese, make a sandwich, or have other normal, healthy food.
So what do I consider stealing where food is concerned? One of the people on Julia’s blog felt that a child taking food from their own home should not be considered stealing. I beg to differ. The food is not the issue, it’s the act and the intent of the child in procuring the food. If my child takes my money without asking, it’s considered stealing.
So, what do I consider stealing?
• Does the child wait until mom or dad isn’t looking?
• Does the child take more than is healthy?
• Is there a family rule that the child is violating?
• Is what the child is doing healthy to his/her emotional and physical development?
• Are the wrappers or remains of the food being hidden from the parents?
Here are a couple of examples of how things have progressed in my house.
Sammy waited until I was in the shower, went into the pantry, got a one pound block of baking chocolate, ate it while I was in the shower and then stuffed the wrapper in the beams of the closet in the upstairs bathroom.
There is not part of that scenario that is healthy for my child. The food eaten, the amount of it eaten, the sneaking and the hiding of the “evidence” are all things that are not good. If he truly thought what he was doing was OK, why did he wait until I got in the shower, why did he eat it in his bedroom and why did he hide the wrapper? He knew what he was doing was wrong, that’s why.
Another example is when Sammy had to sell candy bars as a fundraiser. He stole, yes stole they weren’t his, and ate FIFTY king size candy bars. We did not find the wrappers until our septic system was pumped. He had flushed them down the toilet.
When Sammy was asked why he didn’t ask for a candy bar if he wanted one, his answer was very simple “Because you might say no.” This says that his wants supersede anything his dad or I might say. He doesn’t like the word No, so he just avoids it.
It got so bad that we had to remove all junk food from our home. We went through lessons on morals, lessons on how this gorging on junk food was affecting his health, and many more lessons. None of them had any effect. He took what he wanted regardless of any circumstances or consequences.
I am not a mean mother. I let my kids have junk food and I freely give it to them. But I don’t allow my kids to eat any and all the junk they want. That teaches them nothing. I’ll get ready for the critical comments, but I know there are many other parents out there with me who deal with this exact issue on a daily basis.
Photo credit – ONE pile of wrappers Sammy had hidden
It is common for adopted children to hoard, bing eat and hide food and not tell about it. This behavior is not about the concept of morality or sharing as you understand it.
This is about a child who has suffered great trauma being separated from his biological family and is not coping.
You can not apply base psychology and rational to an adopted child which is conceived from an understanding of a family unit which does not include adoption as a dynamic.
Your approach will only serve to isolate this child more from your family unit. You are missing the reason for his behavior.
I beg to differ from the previous writer. Many children from harsh backgrounds do not feel the need to hoard and steal, or are able to work through what created the behaviour. But those kids WANT to change. My son was like Sammy…. he went out of his way to very deliberately steal what he wanted and knew he could not have. For example, entire boxes of cereal would disappear when Love Muffin or I were out of the kitchen, but the fruit and other healthy snacks would remain indefinitely.
Responding to this sort of behaviour by creating reasonable boundaries around it is appropriate, and is inclusive rather then isolating, when other family members follow the same rules. Kids such as ours are perfectly capable of learning morality and the concept of sharing when given the opportunity to do so by parents and other caregivers.
From what I have read in Kelly’s blogs – and Kelly, please correct me if I am wrong – her son and mine have issues of power and control. Stealing is not coming from a sense of need or loss per se, but of a desire to defy the authority figure/target and show who is really “in charge”.
My daughter would prefer to TAKE rather than ask, too. She also ate all the candy bars from a school fundraiser. She joined us at age 21 months. You are absolutely correct, she didn’t have good coping skills–ever. I hope her excuse works well for her in adulthood if she continues to “cope” in such an unhealthy way … will it land her in a psych placement or jail, where other folks who don’t cope well end up? At what point, after how many years, does the onus belong to the child … to work WITH the parents to develop BETTER coping skills, rather than tenaciously cling to their pathological behaviors despite all efforts put forth by parents, teachers, counselors, etc.?
The thing that the negative commentors are missing in these articles is that this is not about food. If my child was hungry, why did he only “steal” junk food? No one can tell me that he ate a pound of baking chocolate because he was hungry.
Sammy has stolen from me since before he was actually placed here. On his first pre-placement visit he stole some glitter glue pens. He stuck them in his underwear. This child has stolen all his life and was taught to steal by his birth parents.
Sammy has been to jail 4 times already and he’s only 14 years old. Yes, he has gone to jail for stealing, and currently owes $259 in restitution because he stole and destroyed a cell phone from a classmate.
Kids who hoard food want food period. They don’t care what it is. Kory came from neglect. I know the difference between a food hoarder and a food stealer. Food hoarders do this for survival. Sammy does it for the thrill of the “steal”. We have been through this in therapy for years. He enjoys the adrenaline rush he gets from stealing and he doesn’t care what he steals.
It’s about living in a home where nothing that you own is safe. It’s about your child having a “habit” that is not healthy for their emotional development.
Yes, it is about the child’s emotional development but everyone is getting so hung up on the food issue that they can’t see the bigger picture. Instead we are being persecuted for denying our children food. We’re not denying our children food, we’re working to help our children’s emotional development but because the issue is food, everyone is up in arms.
My youngest came to me at age 4. She had been in an orphanage and she had issues with food. She guarded, she hoarded, she would not eat with her back to an open door, etc. Each night she would sneak an item of food into her bed and push it under the sheets down to the foot of her bed. (I think it was to be sure that she had something to eat the next day. But a loaf of bread is not very usable after it has been slept on!) We solved the problem by my giving her a tupperware container filled with food for her to sleep with. It was tightly sealed so as not to spill out in the bed and most of the time she never even opened it. She just slept with it under her covers. Later, she became secure enough that she put it in a drawer of her bedside table. She is 25 years old now and she STILL puts a food item in the drawer beside her bed! The same candy bar has been there three weeks already, but I know if I moved it she would notice immediately and replace it. Some scars never completely heal no matter how much salve we put on them.
That’s exactly my point Mama S.
“Kids who hoard food usually have come from backgrounds of neglect. When they hoard it is mostly about having it because they are not sure where or when their next meal is coming. They also eat themselves silly at the table. Many times kids who hoard food don’t eat what they hoard. Simply having it is their security measure.”
The kids who “steal” food are different. Hoarders do it because they truly feel they will die if they do not have a stash. My son does not take food because he needs it or wants it, or feels he will die without it. It is the thrill of the steal. He pulled one over on me. He was smarter than me. He could take something away from me. The real issue is the stealing. Food just happens to be the item stolen. Sammy once took a tube of raw cookie dough to school and told the teacher that’s what I gave him for lunch, even though I had packed a full lunch for him. He tried to eat the cookie dough as his lunch until the teacher caught him.
In addition I have had money, jewelry, my car keys and other things too numerous to mention stolen from me by my son. It is about a violation of trust and safety.
If I or Julia had said that we caught our child with our wallet hidden somewhere, would anyone be criticizing us? But because food is topic here, the intent of the child is what’s being lost.
You are so right it is not about being hungry, or the food at all.
My daughter routinely wastes food during meals, refuses to eat, but consistently sneaks/steals candy and junk food. Of course these are the items we require the kids ask permission to access, so they do not overload on unhealthy sweets. My older and younger kids seem to be able to adequately follow this pattern of asking and receiving, so if this is all about adoption loss, why don’t they sneak/steal too?
For my middle child, this is really about power and control, not eating, being hungry, or food, or even adoption loss. It is about damage that was done to her brain. The way her little mind works, she sees taking the items we have placed permissions on, as challenging our control over her, since she does not know how to trust it. In her mind in order to be ‘safe’ SHE must been in control of things like this at all times. This control goes beyond food to things like her breaking items, picking on siblings and pets, soiling herself, persistent talking/noise making 24-7, among other behaviors.
These behaviors allows her to manipulate her environment so she feels in control (safe) in her mind. This is a coping method this kid probably developed in the womb when she was hurt by, and could not escape from, the drugs used by the mother. My other two children were in much less stressful pre-birth environments, and they do not have the extreme issues my middle child does.
As parents of kids like this, we must continue to lovingly stress safe limits and boundaries, until hopefully they can learn to handle them successfully, and in appropriate ways for themselves. If they are allowed to continue to act out these behaviors unchecked this would only reinforce for them that they must try to control all aspects of their environment themselves in order to survive. It would also be VERY unsafe for them.
It is NOT about the FOOD folks! It is about a damaged mind learning to heal and trust.
Kelly you are right, there is a group that is primarily motivated by control and defiance. Deb points out a different group, one that is motivated by inability to trust, they must always be in control of the most critical aspects of their lives. Unfortuantely, the techniques appropiate for group A are not the ones for group B. Mama S, thanks for the story about the candy bar, it can be breathtaking how long some healing takes. John
Then there’s group C who fit into both groups A and B.
Kelly, Great job of explaining the differences.
The timing of this is highly interesting. I received our monthly report from the treatment foster home company that his handling Sammy’s case. The first two sentences read..
“Sam continues to struggle with defiance and outbursts in the foster home. He has been stealing food and is challenging the rules on a continuous basis.”
You read that right folks. The case worker said “STEALING” food.
As a past social worker and an adoptive mother I am sad at how so many adoptive parents have about hoarding and the reasons behind it. In the original post of this blog you make a list of what stealing it. Well that is hoarding. And there are reasons behind it.
Discipline does not help hoarding, it just increases negative behavior. The child needs help, not humiliation. So sad!
for our girl, it was all about control. she wanted to eat up all the food so no one else could have any. it made her feel powerful.
My dd is 6 and stole some kid’s money to get food from a vending machine. She’s in her room for the night and she will me making restitution to the child she stole from. This has happened several times. What do I do now? You say, the kid needs help. What kind of help? Are you just supposed to say oh, poor you, it’s not your fault you steal/hoard/overeat constantly? What exactly are we supposed to do!?
My daughter has been caught sneaking food constantly and she has been saying she will change and try and get better but she always reverts back to it. Not only is she hurting herself but she is taking food that could be a surprise for everyone else in the house hold and she is DIABETIC!!! I don’t know what to do with her anymore I am starting to think I have failed as a parent and I just don’t know what to do with her. Does anyone have any suggestions? I have already grounded her and taken everything junk food out of thee house but she continues to eat, I am trying to understand but I am completely lost on why she would do this to her body and she is 15.
My newly adopted, 12 year old son (he’s been with us three months) has been taking junk food and pop without permission, eating it and hiding the wrappers. He is also taking candy and gum from our other children even though he has his own. He is not hoarding food anywhere. He takes it and eats it immediately. He has also tried to take all junk food in his school lunch and skip the sandwich. He’s never taken any healthy foods without permission.
Obviously, there have to be limits to junk food and candy. Our son just wants junk food all the time. He knows the limits we have set in our family, so he knows that if he asked for junk food as often as he wants it the answer would be “no” the majority of the time. Poor nutrition in his past has led to health issues, so indulging his desire for excessive amounts of junk food is out of the question. He is allowed to eat all the fruit and vegetables he wants, whenever he wants.
How should we handle this? Do we remove all junk food from the house, and make our other children pay the price as well? Do you discipline a child who does this? How?
My son is almost 9 and he has ADHD. He is not adopted, but I have been having very similar problems listed here.
For over 3mths now we have been finding granola bar wrappers and various other wrappers in his bedroom, hidden in drawers and up beside his bed. He is hiding drink boxes, candy wrappers from Halloween, even water bottles.
I have told him numerous times that if he was truly hungry at night, to have apples, bananas or even carrot sticks. But those always remain untouched.
He has had numerous toys taken away, we have tried many different strategies to help with this problem. We have used stop signs, we have hidden the food (that he likes to take) we have) Put them on high shelves, but nothing is stopping him. He gets out a stool to get it. He knows what he is doing is stealing!
I don’t at this point know what else to try! Any ideas that anyone has would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks
I have also been giving him a high protein snack right before bed!
Wow, I just Googled Food Hoarding and found this site. It has been fascinating reading all of your experiences. I have a 14 yr old foster daughter that has been with us for 8 months. I recently discovered that she has been sneeking food into her room which she knows is clearly against the rules. From reading your stories, it sounds like there are quite a few variations on the issue. I have found things ranging from junk food to crackers to juice boxes to beef boullian cubes. Does anyone have any helpful suggestions on how to handle this? It is very new to me. She eats very good during meals and often snacks after supper, so I know it’s not a matter of hunger. I actually haven’t even thought of it as ’stealing’ until reading some of the comments, now I’m not sure what I think!
I wish I had the magic answer for this. We’ve been dealing with it for almost 9 years now.
One thing you may want to try is eliminating gluten (products containing wheat) and casein (products containing dairy) from your child’s diet and eliminate as much sugar as possible. When we were able to do this with our son the food hoarding/stealing went down incredibly. Do an internet search on gluten free casein free diet for more information, or check out the Feingold Diet. Yes, it is a hassle, but it was worth it for us.
Aren’t those diets also helpful for ADD?
Yes, they certainly are.
My daughter is diabetic and she is on the range of killing herself I talk with her all of the times about asking and having food in variation but it never works can someone please help me. I am willing to try anything I just don’t want my first born to die because of diabetic complications please!
Bad habit, as horrible as it sounds, you may need to put her “bad” food under lock and key or put an alarm on your pantry. We had to do this, and it didn’t totally eliminate things, but it certainly helped. Sammy would wait until I went to the bathroom or took a shower and then we would head for the junk food.
We keep very little in our house when he is home and if I know he is coming home, I will lock up or hide certain things.
Interestingly, when I offer things to him that he has stolen or snuck, he doesn’t want them. For him it truly is about the sugar and the thrill of the steal.
I know this has probably been done, but has her doctor explained to her what can happen to her with her diabetes? Has she had close calls with black outs or anything? Can she talk to someone else with diabetes who can explain to her what can happen to her? I know, it’s probably beating a dead horse, but I can feel your desperation in trying to help her.
I am in the same boat as tcoward above. My child is not adopted, she is ADHD and being treated for all sorts of emotional issues (mainly depression and anxiety) as well. And she just turned 8. She has the food hoarding issues, and much like Kelly’s son aims to take only those items that are yummy, bypassing all else. I have had her on several different reward programs, she is in counseling, and I am at a loss what else to do. Of course there are MANY other additional issues, including destructive behaviors, fire-starting behaviors and self-destructive behaviors. All of this has been happening for more than a year. At this point my daughter’s psychiatrist and psychologist seem to be looking at me, I think after reading these posts that they are thinking that perhaps I have inflicted the abuses on her that many of the adopted and foster children who behave this way have had. However I can say that my daughter was not raised or brought up in an abusive home and I am at a loss. Any suggestions or responses appreciated – also feel free to email me at nanders143@gmail.com. Many thanks to all!
Bravo, Nancy spoolstra for your comments. You posed a great question…”At what point, after how many years, does the onus belong to the child … to work WITH the parents to develop BETTER coping skills, rather than tenaciously cling to their pathological behaviors despite all efforts put forth by parents, teachers, counselors, etc.?” I have a foster child who does this and has been doing this for 4 years. It is not just stealing for him. Though a lot of the food taken is junk food, he will take anything, including tomato paste. This is a problem which has stemmed from being abused and neglected as an ifant in his birth home. Its a characteristic of reactive attachment disorder and is very common. However, allowing the child to keep a box of food in their bedroom when food in the bedroom is against the rules teaches them that rules are made to be broken or at least bent and using their past helps to bend or break them. Exactly how does this help the child? The only thing this does is allow them to hold on to these behaviors and feelings. What needs to happen is that the couselors who propose these “band-aids” for such behaviors need to work on resolutions of the problems. This will take many years and hard work. Providing “band-aids” nurtures the behavior not the resolution. We need to work with these children to have BETTER coping skills because the coping skills that some of you are suggesting are in no way going to help them in their adult life. Once they become adults, they will either make the decision to contiue not to cope and be on a path of destruction or they will want to cope and overcome and will have a lot of work to do when this all could have already been started for and with them in childhood.
I am disheartened to read the many, many entries on this blog. Two years ago, my husband and I adopted a sibling group. Our 10 year old daughter has been stealing candy at night, eating it, and hiding the wrappers. She has even escalated into stealing a Nintendo game from another student in school.
I absolutely agree it is stealing, what saddens me is that I have not seen anyone offer any words of wisdom or advice on what to do about it. We have punished, grounded, taken away things….yet I caught her in the act last night.
I fear that my daughter will escalate this into something that will be a great deal of trouble for her. Does anyone have any advice?
I hear your stoies, I have a 15 year old and 13 year old I got seven years ago. I am at a loss. Food money jewlery, what ever, It doesn’t matter. They steal and eat twenty bars at one time. But what can we do to help them STOP? I am almost to the point of a failed adoption becasue it is putting a strain on the whole family. I can’t take a break from them becasue they steal from all my friends. It’s not hording, Hording is hidding food, saving it. Stealing is sneaking, lying and hiding the evidence after they have all they want to eat. They have acess to fruit, bread, healthy things yet they steal whole jars of frosting, whole loves of break and eat it with whole jars of jelly. I ground them, take privilages away, etc. nothing works. they have been in counseling, seen doctors for control issues but everyone says the same thing, they can stop, its their choice, they are chosing this behavior, but what do I do to get them to stop?
Our daughter has been with us since she was 2. She is now 12. She has taken food from day 1. She always has to eat the last of anything – the last apple, the last candy bar, the last of the milk – anything. I am constantly finding wrappers under her bed, beneath her mattress, in the back of her closet, etc. If anyone has any suggestions on how to handle this behavior I could really use your input. Nothing seems to work.
Okay I’m at my wits end. My 12 year old DD is driving me nuts with this food thing. When I read some of these posts I think someone has a camera in my house and is telling MY drama in my house. She’s done it all the fundraiser thing yes she’s eaten many of them. The school doesn’t just send home candy fundraisers they make the parents sign a permission slip before the child can actually sell them. Well, my girly just forges my name and turns in the slip and eats 20 candy bars before she even comes home. Her backpack and pockets bulging with wrappers…then denys she even got the fund raiser to begin with. In my house if it has sugar in it she finds a way to get it and stuffs her face. No matter what I do to hide it. You’d think she was starving! Yesterday I caught her crawling on her hands and knees into the kitchen peeping in the pantry trying to get at the bakers chocolate. Well, its all gone. If I decide to bake anything ever again I’ll go to the store and get what I need. I keep talking to her about it her only comment is, “I don’t know why I do it.” I never deny her food. My take is its the thrill of sneaking. Nevertheless! Its driving me nuts. I feel like I have to keep one eye opened while I sleep when I actually sleep. To me I look at it like its stealing or an invasion…I wish I didn’t feel this way but I do. Last week she got into my grocery money and went to school and gave it all away. 400 bucks worth! One parent gave 100 back to me. The rest is history I guess. I’m afraid she doesn’t know what will eventually happen to her if she does this to someone who won’t be so forgiving. How can I make her understand this isn’t about food? Why won’t she just come to me when she wants a sweet snack and ask? A lot of whys and no solution. I hate the thought of locking my pantry up but I can’t seem to get a grip on this. I asked her why she keeps doing the same food thing over and over again…her reply was, “I just don’t try to stop but I suppose I can” What is is I’m doing wrong?
We have had guardianship of my 6 yr old great nephew since he was 11 months of age. The past couple of months, i’ve had problems with him hoarding food, sneaking in the middle of the night in to the pantry, throwing old food behind his bed or behind his dresser. It is usally grapes, raisins, fruit snacks, apple cores, 1/2 eat sandwiches. If he wants something, he thinks that he can just take it regardless of what it is. I haven’t noticed him anything other than food but I’m scared it is going to lead that way. I have talked to him about this til I’m blue in the face but after getting into trouble 2 days ago for this, he had 2 packages of fruit snacks in his bed this morning. He does suffer from ADHD and is on medication but I can’t figure out why he does this. He did not have any bonding with his mom at birth (she left him when he was 4 months with family members and he was moved home to home with other members to care for him) but my husband and I have tried to make him feel as secure as we possibly can and we love him dearly. Has anyone found anything that helps?? I’m about to pull my hair out!
WOW…I am in the same boat as most of you. Last night I just happened to check under my daughters bed again and well you can guess what I found. Thats when I found this blog. I never thought it could be anything to do with her being adopted but we all have the same story. It made me realize my sister (who was also adopted) had the very same traits while we were growing up and she ended up with alot of eating issues that were not good. I think I will discuss it with our Doctor
Hello
Being an actual internationally adopted adult and have had problems with hoarding myself, I better than anyone might be able to explain this “phenominom” to you. Hoarding for every person is different. Many prefer food because it was what was lacking in orphanages, but hoarding with adopted kids can be anything that helps restore a sense of control which equals security. Regular discipline and talk of morals will actually do more harm than it will good. Adopted kids need attachment therapy for (RAD) to help solve security issues. Locking food, saying “no” and scolding are useless because adopted kids (especially when adopted internationally at older ages) have been physically and emotional torn from their biological parents. I realize many children go through horrible events I.e abuse, starvation but adoption is unique trauma because the adopted has such a sense of loss and abandonment. I am 24 and have been in traditional therapy ( add/conduct disorder/bipolar) since I was 6, but only since 4 years ago have I tried adoption therapy. Therapists are trained specifically for internationally adopted kids and are often adopted themselves.
Please never give up on your adopted child bc it honestly is not their fault they hoard. And yes, sammy is hoarding still even if it is not restricted to food and no, he is not a lost cause trust me
good luck. If anyone lives in the Boston area I have great therapists if you need some help!
As I was reading the postings, I read aloud to dh. He thought I was proof reading my OWN newly written posting. Seems we all have the same issues.
It IS stealing in our home. Power and Control. The kids hear me say that every day. We’re straight up. I tell them I am the Power and Control. Parents are supposed to be. In good times and in bad we’re here to be in charge.
They never had parents (as thusly defined) and aren’t quite sure they really want them to be honest. They liked calling their own shots in foster care and feeling separate from the foster family. Now they feel as though they are under control. They don’t get that that is the protective feel of a family. Some get it in their heads, but in their hearts it is harder still. Some get it on some days and not on others.
We have learned in the two years they’ve been here that we cannot change our rules. We have to keep the consequences consistent and small. “Steal again and you’re out of football.” Yea, he stole the next day to show us that there was NOTHING we could do to really be in charge. We keep pushing that YOU are in charge of your actions. And we try to reward those that do what they’re supposed to with loud and lavish praise and privileges. Doesn’t always work. Most of the kids want to be a victim and feel sorry for themselves. They want to hate and be angry. They don’t want to talk to a therapist because Being a Patient means you are broken. Not Being a Patient means you are a regular kid. The don’t want people to know they’re adopted, they like looking like my husband and hearing how much they look like him. They want to have always been here. They want to erase the bad stuff.
Hypnosis? If I thought it would work I would surely try it. That show Dollhouse, where they erase the mind of the person and give them a whole new past…. my kids LOVE it. Can’t get enough of it.
So we keep plugging on.