Foster Adoption Blog

01/07/08

Food hoarding vs. stealing

Posted by : Kelly in Foster Adoption Blog at 06:29 am , 725 words, 1874 views  
Categories: Daily life


Julia wrote a very good blog on the Christian Adoption blog. It is something that we have dealt with many times in our own home.

Julia is being crucified for being upset with her daughter, and I’m joining the ranks with her because I happen to agree with her.

She said that her daughter “stole” some food from the house and everyone is up in arms over the term stealing. If she had said that her daughter was hoarding food, would everyone be equally upset?

I posted a blog about some of the discoveries we have had with Sammy stealing or hoarding food.

Kids who hoard food usually have come from backgrounds of neglect. When they hoard it is mostly about having it because they are not sure where or when their next meal is coming. They also eat themselves silly at the table. Many times kids who hoard food don’t eat what they hoard. Simply having it is their security measure.

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However, when it comes to “stealing” food, that’s a totally different issue as far as I’m concerned. The rule in our house is that if you want “junk food” you have to ask. If you are truly hungry, you may help yourself to the fruit bowl, some cheese, make a sandwich, or have other normal, healthy food.

So what do I consider stealing where food is concerned? One of the people on Julia’s blog felt that a child taking food from their own home should not be considered stealing. I beg to differ. The food is not the issue, it’s the act and the intent of the child in procuring the food. If my child takes my money without asking, it’s considered stealing.

So, what do I consider stealing?

• Does the child wait until mom or dad isn’t looking?
• Does the child take more than is healthy?
• Is there a family rule that the child is violating?
• Is what the child is doing healthy to his/her emotional and physical development?
• Are the wrappers or remains of the food being hidden from the parents?


Here are a couple of examples of how things have progressed in my house.

Sammy waited until I was in the shower, went into the pantry, got a one pound block of baking chocolate, ate it while I was in the shower and then stuffed the wrapper in the beams of the closet in the upstairs bathroom.

There is not part of that scenario that is healthy for my child. The food eaten, the amount of it eaten, the sneaking and the hiding of the “evidence” are all things that are not good. If he truly thought what he was doing was OK, why did he wait until I got in the shower, why did he eat it in his bedroom and why did he hide the wrapper? He knew what he was doing was wrong, that’s why.

Another example is when Sammy had to sell candy bars as a fundraiser. He stole, yes stole they weren’t his, and ate FIFTY king size candy bars. We did not find the wrappers until our septic system was pumped. He had flushed them down the toilet.

When Sammy was asked why he didn’t ask for a candy bar if he wanted one, his answer was very simple “Because you might say no.” This says that his wants supersede anything his dad or I might say. He doesn’t like the word No, so he just avoids it.

It got so bad that we had to remove all junk food from our home. We went through lessons on morals, lessons on how this gorging on junk food was affecting his health, and many more lessons. None of them had any effect. He took what he wanted regardless of any circumstances or consequences.

I am not a mean mother. I let my kids have junk food and I freely give it to them. But I don’t allow my kids to eat any and all the junk they want. That teaches them nothing. I’ll get ready for the critical comments, but I know there are many other parents out there with me who deal with this exact issue on a daily basis.

Photo credit – ONE pile of wrappers Sammy had hidden

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: writemereal [Member]
It is common for adopted children to hoard, bing eat and hide food and not tell about it. This behavior is not about the concept of morality or sharing as you understand it. This is about a child who has suffered great trauma being separated from his biological family and is not coping. You can not apply base psychology and rational to an adopted child which is conceived from an understanding of a family unit which does not include adoption as a dynamic. Your approach will only serve to isolate this child more from your family unit. You are missing the reason for his behavior.
PermalinkPermalink 01/07/08 @ 07:33
Comment from: NCOZADD@aol.com [Member] Email
I beg to differ from the previous writer. Many children from harsh backgrounds do not feel the need to hoard and steal, or are able to work through what created the behaviour. But those kids WANT to change. My son was like Sammy.... he went out of his way to very deliberately steal what he wanted and knew he could not have. For example, entire boxes of cereal would disappear when Love Muffin or I were out of the kitchen, but the fruit and other healthy snacks would remain indefinitely.

Responding to this sort of behaviour by creating reasonable boundaries around it is appropriate, and is inclusive rather then isolating, when other family members follow the same rules. Kids such as ours are perfectly capable of learning morality and the concept of sharing when given the opportunity to do so by parents and other caregivers.

From what I have read in Kelly's blogs - and Kelly, please correct me if I am wrong - her son and mine have issues of power and control. Stealing is not coming from a sense of need or loss per se, but of a desire to defy the authority figure/target and show who is really "in charge".
PermalinkPermalink 01/07/08 @ 07:50
Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member] Email · http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/
My daughter would prefer to TAKE rather than ask, too. She also ate all the candy bars from a school fundraiser. She joined us at age 21 months. You are absolutely correct, she didn't have good coping skills--ever. I hope her excuse works well for her in adulthood if she continues to "cope" in such an unhealthy way ... will it land her in a psych placement or jail, where other folks who don't cope well end up? At what point, after how many years, does the onus belong to the child ... to work WITH the parents to develop BETTER coping skills, rather than tenaciously cling to their pathological behaviors despite all efforts put forth by parents, teachers, counselors, etc.?
PermalinkPermalink 01/07/08 @ 08:02
Comment from: Kelly [Member] Email · http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com
The thing that the negative commentors are missing in these articles is that this is not about food. If my child was hungry, why did he only "steal" junk food? No one can tell me that he ate a pound of baking chocolate because he was hungry.

Sammy has stolen from me since before he was actually placed here. On his first pre-placement visit he stole some glitter glue pens. He stuck them in his underwear. This child has stolen all his life and was taught to steal by his birth parents.

Sammy has been to jail 4 times already and he's only 14 years old. Yes, he has gone to jail for stealing, and currently owes $259 in restitution because he stole and destroyed a cell phone from a classmate.

Kids who hoard food want food period. They don't care what it is. Kory came from neglect. I know the difference between a food hoarder and a food stealer. Food hoarders do this for survival. Sammy does it for the thrill of the "steal". We have been through this in therapy for years. He enjoys the adrenaline rush he gets from stealing and he doesn't care what he steals.

It's about living in a home where nothing that you own is safe. It's about your child having a "habit" that is not healthy for their emotional development.

Yes, it is about the child's emotional development but everyone is getting so hung up on the food issue that they can't see the bigger picture. Instead we are being persecuted for denying our children food. We're not denying our children food, we're working to help our children's emotional development but because the issue is food, everyone is up in arms.

PermalinkPermalink 01/07/08 @ 08:41
Comment from: MamaS [Member] Email
My youngest came to me at age 4. She had been in an orphanage and she had issues with food. She guarded, she hoarded, she would not eat with her back to an open door, etc. Each night she would sneak an item of food into her bed and push it under the sheets down to the foot of her bed. (I think it was to be sure that she had something to eat the next day. But a loaf of bread is not very usable after it has been slept on!) We solved the problem by my giving her a tupperware container filled with food for her to sleep with. It was tightly sealed so as not to spill out in the bed and most of the time she never even opened it. She just slept with it under her covers. Later, she became secure enough that she put it in a drawer of her bedside table. She is 25 years old now and she STILL puts a food item in the drawer beside her bed! The same candy bar has been there three weeks already, but I know if I moved it she would notice immediately and replace it. Some scars never completely heal no matter how much salve we put on them.
PermalinkPermalink 01/07/08 @ 09:32
Comment from: Kelly [Member] Email · http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com
That's exactly my point Mama S.

"Kids who hoard food usually have come from backgrounds of neglect. When they hoard it is mostly about having it because they are not sure where or when their next meal is coming. They also eat themselves silly at the table. Many times kids who hoard food don’t eat what they hoard. Simply having it is their security measure."

The kids who "steal" food are different. Hoarders do it because they truly feel they will die if they do not have a stash. My son does not take food because he needs it or wants it, or feels he will die without it. It is the thrill of the steal. He pulled one over on me. He was smarter than me. He could take something away from me. The real issue is the stealing. Food just happens to be the item stolen. Sammy once took a tube of raw cookie dough to school and told the teacher that's what I gave him for lunch, even though I had packed a full lunch for him. He tried to eat the cookie dough as his lunch until the teacher caught him.

In addition I have had money, jewelry, my car keys and other things too numerous to mention stolen from me by my son. It is about a violation of trust and safety.

If I or Julia had said that we caught our child with our wallet hidden somewhere, would anyone be criticizing us? But because food is topic here, the intent of the child is what's being lost.
PermalinkPermalink 01/07/08 @ 10:38
Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member] Email · http://open.adoptionblogs.com
You are so right it is not about being hungry, or the food at all.
My daughter routinely wastes food during meals, refuses to eat, but consistently sneaks/steals candy and junk food. Of course these are the items we require the kids ask permission to access, so they do not overload on unhealthy sweets. My older and younger kids seem to be able to adequately follow this pattern of asking and receiving, so if this is all about adoption loss, why don’t they sneak/steal too?
For my middle child, this is really about power and control, not eating, being hungry, or food, or even adoption loss. It is about damage that was done to her brain. The way her little mind works, she sees taking the items we have placed permissions on, as challenging our control over her, since she does not know how to trust it. In her mind in order to be ‘safe’ SHE must been in control of things like this at all times. This control goes beyond food to things like her breaking items, picking on siblings and pets, soiling herself, persistent talking/noise making 24-7, among other behaviors.
These behaviors allows her to manipulate her environment so she feels in control (safe) in her mind. This is a coping method this kid probably developed in the womb when she was hurt by, and could not escape from, the drugs used by the mother. My other two children were in much less stressful pre-birth environments, and they do not have the extreme issues my middle child does.
As parents of kids like this, we must continue to lovingly stress safe limits and boundaries, until hopefully they can learn to handle them successfully, and in appropriate ways for themselves. If they are allowed to continue to act out these behaviors unchecked this would only reinforce for them that they must try to control all aspects of their environment themselves in order to survive. It would also be VERY unsafe for them.
It is NOT about the FOOD folks! It is about a damaged mind learning to heal and trust.
PermalinkPermalink 01/07/08 @ 10:46
Comment from: John [Member] Email
Kelly you are right, there is a group that is primarily motivated by control and defiance. Deb points out a different group, one that is motivated by inability to trust, they must always be in control of the most critical aspects of their lives. Unfortuantely, the techniques appropiate for group A are not the ones for group B. Mama S, thanks for the story about the candy bar, it can be breathtaking how long some healing takes. John
PermalinkPermalink 01/07/08 @ 11:22
Comment from: Kelly [Member] Email · http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com
Then there's group C who fit into both groups A and B.
PermalinkPermalink 01/07/08 @ 12:34
Comment from: Julia Fuller [Member] Email · http://special-needs.adoptionblogs.com/
Kelly, Great job of explaining the differences.
PermalinkPermalink 01/07/08 @ 15:10
Comment from: Kelly [Member] Email · http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com
The timing of this is highly interesting. I received our monthly report from the treatment foster home company that his handling Sammy's case. The first two sentences read..

"Sam continues to struggle with defiance and outbursts in the foster home. He has been stealing food and is challenging the rules on a continuous basis."

You read that right folks. The case worker said "STEALING" food.
PermalinkPermalink 01/07/08 @ 15:28
Comment from: livsmommy [Member]
As a past social worker and an adoptive mother I am sad at how so many adoptive parents have about hoarding and the reasons behind it. In the original post of this blog you make a list of what stealing it. Well that is hoarding. And there are reasons behind it.

Discipline does not help hoarding, it just increases negative behavior. The child needs help, not humiliation. So sad!
PermalinkPermalink 01/07/08 @ 16:26
Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member] Email
for our girl, it was all about control. she wanted to eat up all the food so no one else could have any. it made her feel powerful.
PermalinkPermalink 01/07/08 @ 17:29
Comment from: mrsfig [Member]
My dd is 6 and stole some kid's money to get food from a vending machine. She's in her room for the night and she will me making restitution to the child she stole from. This has happened several times. What do I do now? You say, the kid needs help. What kind of help? Are you just supposed to say oh, poor you, it's not your fault you steal/hoard/overeat constantly? What exactly are we supposed to do!?
PermalinkPermalink 01/07/08 @ 19:42
Comment from: badhabit [Member]
My daughter has been caught sneaking food constantly and she has been saying she will change and try and get better but she always reverts back to it. Not only is she hurting herself but she is taking food that could be a surprise for everyone else in the house hold and she is DIABETIC!!! I don't know what to do with her anymore I am starting to think I have failed as a parent and I just don't know what to do with her. Does anyone have any suggestions? I have already grounded her and taken everything junk food out of thee house but she continues to eat, I am trying to understand but I am completely lost on why she would do this to her body and she is 15.
PermalinkPermalink 01/31/08 @ 07:32
Comment from: jean [Member]
My newly adopted, 12 year old son (he's been with us three months) has been taking junk food and pop without permission, eating it and hiding the wrappers. He is also taking candy and gum from our other children even though he has his own. He is not hoarding food anywhere. He takes it and eats it immediately. He has also tried to take all junk food in his school lunch and skip the sandwich. He's never taken any healthy foods without permission.

Obviously, there have to be limits to junk food and candy. Our son just wants junk food all the time. He knows the limits we have set in our family, so he knows that if he asked for junk food as often as he wants it the answer would be "no" the majority of the time. Poor nutrition in his past has led to health issues, so indulging his desire for excessive amounts of junk food is out of the question. He is allowed to eat all the fruit and vegetables he wants, whenever he wants.

How should we handle this? Do we remove all junk food from the house, and make our other children pay the price as well? Do you discipline a child who does this? How?
PermalinkPermalink 02/01/08 @ 13:47
Comment from: tcoward [Member]
My son is almost 9 and he has ADHD. He is not adopted, but I have been having very similar problems listed here.

For over 3mths now we have been finding granola bar wrappers and various other wrappers in his bedroom, hidden in drawers and up beside his bed. He is hiding drink boxes, candy wrappers from Halloween, even water bottles.
I have told him numerous times that if he was truly hungry at night, to have apples, bananas or even carrot sticks. But those always remain untouched.
He has had numerous toys taken away, we have tried many different strategies to help with this problem. We have used stop signs, we have hidden the food (that he likes to take) we have) Put them on high shelves, but nothing is stopping him. He gets out a stool to get it. He knows what he is doing is stealing!
I don't at this point know what else to try! Any ideas that anyone has would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks :)
PermalinkPermalink 02/02/08 @ 14:45
Comment from: tcoward [Member]
I have also been giving him a high protein snack right before bed!
PermalinkPermalink 02/02/08 @ 14:46
Comment from: terri c [Member]
Wow, I just Googled Food Hoarding and found this site. It has been fascinating reading all of your experiences. I have a 14 yr old foster daughter that has been with us for 8 months. I recently discovered that she has been sneeking food into her room which she knows is clearly against the rules. From reading your stories, it sounds like there are quite a few variations on the issue. I have found things ranging from junk food to crackers to juice boxes to beef boullian cubes. Does anyone have any helpful suggestions on how to handle this? It is very new to me. She eats very good during meals and often snacks after supper, so I know it's not a matter of hunger. I actually haven't even thought of it as 'stealing' until reading some of the comments, now I'm not sure what I think!
PermalinkPermalink 02/02/08 @ 17:17
Comment from: Kelly [Member] Email · http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com
I wish I had the magic answer for this. We've been dealing with it for almost 9 years now.

One thing you may want to try is eliminating gluten (products containing wheat) and casein (products containing dairy) from your child's diet and eliminate as much sugar as possible. When we were able to do this with our son the food hoarding/stealing went down incredibly. Do an internet search on gluten free casein free diet for more information, or check out the Feingold Diet. Yes, it is a hassle, but it was worth it for us.
PermalinkPermalink 02/02/08 @ 19:15
Comment from: terri c [Member]
Aren't those diets also helpful for ADD?
PermalinkPermalink 02/03/08 @ 08:01
Comment from: Kelly [Member] Email · http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com
Yes, they certainly are.
PermalinkPermalink 02/04/08 @ 14:29
Comment from: badhabit [Member]
My daughter is diabetic and she is on the range of killing herself I talk with her all of the times about asking and having food in variation but it never works can someone please help me. I am willing to try anything I just don't want my first born to die because of diabetic complications please!
PermalinkPermalink 02/05/08 @ 12:44
Comment from: Kelly [Member] Email · http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com
Bad habit, as horrible as it sounds, you may need to put her "bad" food under lock and key or put an alarm on your pantry. We had to do this, and it didn't totally eliminate things, but it certainly helped. Sammy would wait until I went to the bathroom or took a shower and then we would head for the junk food.

We keep very little in our house when he is home and if I know he is coming home, I will lock up or hide certain things.

Interestingly, when I offer things to him that he has stolen or snuck, he doesn't want them. For him it truly is about the sugar and the thrill of the steal.

I know this has probably been done, but has her doctor explained to her what can happen to her with her diabetes? Has she had close calls with black outs or anything? Can she talk to someone else with diabetes who can explain to her what can happen to her? I know, it's probably beating a dead horse, but I can feel your desperation in trying to help her.
PermalinkPermalink 02/06/08 @ 08:39
Comment from: peevedmomma [Member]
I am in the same boat as tcoward above. My child is not adopted, she is ADHD and being treated for all sorts of emotional issues (mainly depression and anxiety) as well. And she just turned 8. She has the food hoarding issues, and much like Kelly's son aims to take only those items that are yummy, bypassing all else. I have had her on several different reward programs, she is in counseling, and I am at a loss what else to do. Of course there are MANY other additional issues, including destructive behaviors, fire-starting behaviors and self-destructive behaviors. All of this has been happening for more than a year. At this point my daughter's psychiatrist and psychologist seem to be looking at me, I think after reading these posts that they are thinking that perhaps I have inflicted the abuses on her that many of the adopted and foster children who behave this way have had. However I can say that my daughter was not raised or brought up in an abusive home and I am at a loss. Any suggestions or responses appreciated - also feel free to email me at nanders143@gmail.com. Many thanks to all!
PermalinkPermalink 03/20/08 @ 10:20
Comment from: shon borneman [Member]
Bravo, Nancy spoolstra for your comments. You posed a great question..."At what point, after how many years, does the onus belong to the child ... to work WITH the parents to develop BETTER coping skills, rather than tenaciously cling to their pathological behaviors despite all efforts put forth by parents, teachers, counselors, etc.?" I have a foster child who does this and has been doing this for 4 years. It is not just stealing for him. Though a lot of the food taken is junk food, he will take anything, including tomato paste. This is a problem which has stemmed from being abused and neglected as an ifant in his birth home. Its a characteristic of reactive attachment disorder and is very common. However, allowing the child to keep a box of food in their bedroom when food in the bedroom is against the rules teaches them that rules are made to be broken or at least bent and using their past helps to bend or break them. Exactly how does this help the child? The only thing this does is allow them to hold on to these behaviors and feelings. What needs to happen is that the couselors who propose these "band-aids" for such behaviors need to work on resolutions of the problems. This will take many years and hard work. Providing "band-aids" nurtures the behavior not the resolution. We need to work with these children to have BETTER coping skills because the coping skills that some of you are suggesting are in no way going to help them in their adult life. Once they become adults, they will either make the decision to contiue not to cope and be on a path of destruction or they will want to cope and overcome and will have a lot of work to do when this all could have already been started for and with them in childhood.
PermalinkPermalink 04/15/08 @ 11:52
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