If you’ve been a foster parent you’ve probably had a child leave your home that you didn’t want to leave. Even as an adoptive parent, you sometimes have to make the decision to disrupt a placement when you don’t want to or have had a “legal risk” child who was returned to a birth parent or possibly to a biological family member. No doubt you have grieved the loss of that child.

But… Does the child ever really leave your heart? For me that answer is a resounding NO!

Sammy called me unexpectedly today and asked me a question I thought I knew the answer to, but I was far off.

Sammy: “Mom, you’re never going to guess who I played with yesterday.”

Mom: (Thinking she knows the answer since she talked to biological brother’s mom the other day about getting the kids together again says) “Your brother T.”

Sammy: “Nope. I saw Kory and Mackenzie.”

Mom: after picking jaw up off the floor asks, “Kory and Mackenzie?”

These are our former foster children who left us almost four years ago. We have not been allowed to have any contact with them, and wasn’t entirely sure where they were, so this came as quite a shock.

Sammy, his foster mom and the other foster kids went to a water park yesterday. By pure coincidence, he saw Kory and Mackenzie. He saw Mackenzie first and recognized her right away. This is not a small thing since she was only 14 months old when she left our house. He asked if it was OK to talk to her and when given permission, he did. She did not remember him, but he also asked about Kory. He was due at the water park shortly and he and Sammy connected. They spent several hours playing together, and the obvious joy in Sammy’s voice was wonderful to hear.

I am truly happy for him, but at the same time felt an incredible amount of jealousy. He saw, played with, and hugged my babies. His arms did what mine have ached to do. His eyes saw the children that I only see in my dreams.

Some people have told me that it’s been four years, I should be done “grieving” for them and should move on. My heart won’t. I wonder about them constantly. I don’t get sad like I used to, and most days I can remember them with joy, but some days, like today, the hurt is there.

What about the rest of you? Are you able to just “let go?” Do you forget your kids or are there some that have stuck with you that you can’t forget? Does it get easier?

Photo credit - Sammy and Mackenzie in 2003