e-mail
We have all met someone who thinks that they know the secret to “fixing” our kids. I have experienced this so many times through the years, you’d think I know to keep my mouth shut.
I have had well meaning friends, overzealous family members, clueless therapists and other mental health professionals who have all told me the same things. If I would just love Sammy more, use star and sticker charts to reward his success, let the “little” things go (my mother thought stealing was a little thing) and so on.
I have spent years defending my parenting decisions, trying to educate people and explaining why there well intentioned suggestions don’t work and how many times we have tried them.
Today was one of those days where I should have known to keep my mouth shut, but something compelled me to keep speaking. So many of us feel that if we just say the right words, suddenly their eyes will open and everything will become clear. With some people that happens, but with the vast majority it’s just never going to happen. It is a futile effort.
The man who delivers our heating oil (way too much of it this winter) is a very nice person and met Hannah today. He usually comes during the day while she is in school, but today is a no school today. We have talked before about religion, politics, and some other serious topics. Today the topic was children. We discussed Sammy’s issues and his move to the new residential facility.
This man had worked with a trouble teenager or two through his church, but not the likes of Sammy. He told me that Sammy is a neat kid and that I just have to love him and earn his trust and teach him about scripture and Christ in order to “cure” him. If only it were that easy. Our faith is a large part of our lives and some days our church is our second home. Sammy has attended religion classes ever since he joined our home. We are a family who practices our faith regularly and have tried to instill these values in our kids. We have practiced unconditional love and worked harder than we thought we could to earn his trust. It just isn’t that easy.
The thing that gets me about comments like this is that all the responsibility is on the parents. If all that was necessary was my determination and desire for Sammy to have a normal, happy, healthy life, it would have happened a long time ago.
These methods do not take into account the child’s fear and guarding of their heart, the mental health issues, things like fetal alcohol syndrome that greatly affect the way their brain functions and so many other variables.
I would begin to presume to tell a parent with a child with diabetes, autism, heart disease or other issues how to parent their child. I don’t have the slightest clue what it’s like to live with this and I am not the least bit qualified to give advice. If only the rest of the world felt that way about our kids. Only those who have walked a mile in our shoes can truly understand.
Learn from my mistakes. Quit while you’re ahead, in neutral, or while you’ve dug the hole only three feet deep. Don’t keep digging!
You mean quit talking to those who don’t get it, right — not quit on our kids !! — Rachel
Ummm, yeah, sure Rachel.
Yes, I do mean quit trying to convince people. It’s about as productive as trying to catch every raindrop in an eye dropper.
Today I’m thinking more about this — because I just had a vision (nightmare?) about my and my husband’s families’ future reactions when they hear that we may want to foster/adopt again. In this case, they think they know the secret to fixing US — we should just get over this idea of having more kids !! Always a balancing act between trying to explain and leaving it hanging. — Rachel