One thing are kids are very good at is conning and manipulating otherwise reasonably intelligent adults. They have to be, this is how they have survived. If they didn’t have these skills, they could be dead, or might not have been adopted. Our kids survived by being cute and smart.

There is a politically incorrect but true statement:

“The dumb ugly ones don’t make it.”

This statement is not meant to demean children, but instead it refers to kids being smart enough to figure out how to get what they need. One day batting those baby blues at someone may have meant that they didn’t go hungry. Appearing complaint, well mannered and “cute as a bug” means that a family takes them home.

There is a downside of this ability though, and many of us suffer at the hands of it. I’m not saying that our kids shouldn’t be cute and smart. My kids are both cute and smart, and some days I pay for it. This has happened many times with Sammy, and last week was no exception.

In a phone call from Sammy, we learned that someone from the school he was at prior to going back into residential has been carrying on a “relationship” with him. There have been phone calls, and he recently received a package from this person. I was astounded by this since I knew he had not made any friends there, was only there for three months, and his behavior was appalling while he was there.

I e-mailed the staff member that I had the most contact with during his brief time at the school and asked her to check into who was contacting my son. I learned it was the associate principal of the school. This should be a reasonably intelligent woman, and she should have known enough about my son to know that he has mental health issues and that this type of “relationship” was inappropriate.

Her response to me was that he missed the school and that he called to let her know he was well. She sent him the package to help him feel better. Prior to his move, she asked to go to the residential center when he moved in to help him make his transition easier. Either this woman is not as intelligent as one would believe, or she has been taken in hook, line and sinker by my cute and smart child. Regardless of the reason, I have put a stop to the communication.

In this instance, the damage is minor. In other cases children may claim that the family that loves them is abusing them. We have been through that too. The children may make claims of physical abuse, claim they are not being fed, may say that mom calls them stupid or various other things. It gains the child attention, and can pit adult against adult. The children know from personal experience that claims of abuse garner attention. After all, that’s how they wound up in foster care, and they got a lot of attention from it. Someone reported abuse, the allegation was investigated, the child received attention and so on.

The largest part of this issue is teaching a child right from wrong, which can be difficult given their backgrounds. We all use charm and manipulation at points in our lives. Maybe you convince your husband to take the trash out by batting your eyes at him, or talk your way out of a speeding ticket. We all do it at some point, but with our kids the price can be much higher.


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