In my previous blog, I gave my impression of the book by Katharine Leslie, “When A Stranger Calls You Mom”. I’m still blown away by what she was written.

One of the things that she talks about is the fact that our kids don’t get how to “do family.” They weren’t in a functional family to begin with, how can we expect them to get it, just because we plopped them with parents who wanted them?

So, her concept is to “coach” kids. We need to teach them how people interact with each other, pick up social cues, and have a reciprocal relationship. Something I wish I had done with Sammy way back, but I have a lot of those things.

Here’s an example of a frequent one in our house:

My hubby pulls in the driveway and Hannah rushes to the door to greet him and starts rattling off about her day before he can get one foot in the door. He basically gets “assaulted” as soon as he walks in.

So let’s re-do that in a coaching technique. I look at Hannah and say:

“This is where you say, Daddy I’m very excited to see you and I’m acting very hyper. Go.” And Hannah repeats what I have just said.

You have put a label on the emotion, and on the behavior associated with it.

Or in the case of a more negative behavior which we encounter often. Sammy is refusing to do chores and trying to engage in an argument.

“Sammy, this is where you say, Mom, I don’t want to do my chores. I want you to be angry.”

We have given them both words to express what they are really feeling. Kathrine says you don’t have to be exactly on target with what the kids are feeling, but at least it gives them a starting point to establish what the feelings are, and why they are acting the way they are.

These behaviors have not been modeled for our kids. Instead they have been encouraged to lie, steal, sneak, or whatever behavior suited the purpose that day. They don’t know how to be reciprocal, but they are expected to do just that because they have been plopped in a family.

The concept of a “normal” functioning family is foreign. To our kids, family means that you are hurt, abused, neglected, and various other things. Reciprocal love was not part of their daily lives.

I have really over simplified the concept to make it fit into this blog, but try it out and see how your kids react. Get Katharine’s book to get the full concept of coaching. It will be a great read, and one you won’t want to put down.

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