e-mail
One of the problems with children who are sexually abused, is that they can become perpetrators themselves. That is not saying that all children will, but it is something to be cautious of, especially if you have other children in the home.
Social services and foster parents do not always know if a child has become a perpetrator. This information would usually come from another child who has become a victim, but not all victims tell. The victim may have been threatened to be quiet, or the abusing child may actually be a sibling and the abuse continues when the children are moved together.
The abuse can come from any combination of genders as well. It is not always male perpetrator and female victim.
Sometimes the information is withheld. This story comes out of Denver where social services was aware of the child’s history and withheld it from a foster parent. The 12 year old boy ended up assaulting the foster parents’ three year old daughter.
How can you help a child who has been abused feel safe?
Sometimes children who have been abused, especially by a family member are afraid that they will become a perpetrator. Reassure your child that just becomes someone hurt them, does not mean that they will hurt someone else. They can make the choice not to hurt.
Put each child in a separate room. Yes, sometimes children can be abused while in foster care. If the child’s history is not known, and they are placed in a room with a younger child, that child may become a victim. On subsequent placements, that child may fear for their safety, simply because they are in a room with another child. Is this child going to assault them as well? Every child should have their own room. I know that foster care regulations say that you can several children in a room together, and children of opposite sex can share a room up until a certain age, but it’s not in the child’s best interest.
Put an alarm on the child’s door. You can buy an inexpensive alarm, like this one from First Alert. It sets of a 90 decibel alarm when the magnetic contact is broken. The child knows if someone is coming into their room, and you know if the child is getting out at night to potentially hurt another child. You’d be surprised how this small device can be incredibly reassuring to a child. They will probably test it several times to make sure you come if the alarm goes off.
Lay out the rules. One friend said that when a new kid comes into her home, she says “The only people who have sex in this house are mom and dad with each other.” While it may seem extreme, sometimes kids need to hear it. Then also make it clear that any child can come to you with concerns, if they are being hurt, or if they feel like they want to hurt another child.
For information/instructions on how to subscribe FREE to your favorite AdoptionBlogs, please visit this link.
I think it’s important to remember that just because a child may do something sexual in nature with another child does not make them a perpatrator atomatically. They may have been taught that that is normal behavior and simply never been told it’s wrong. I hate when kids get labled and wrongly accused of being abusers when in reality, they’re just abused kids doing what they were taught. Many, once taught this is NOT okay, never do it again.
While it is important to take precautions, it’s important, in my opinion, to not over react as well.
Lucy
Of course, but it cannot be over- emphasized how important it is to pay attention to the predatory behavior, and “nip it in the butt.”
You are right that this is a “learned behavior” , so are hitting and yelling, but it is much more insidious and potentially damaging. It is also not so easy to teach them why it is not ok or how it actually is different from any other abuse, because it is a kind of violation that goes beyond their comprehension. All abuse is about power, and in a tight situation it becomes a defense mechanism. A sort of reverse “Golden rule” : I’m-gonna-do-what-has-been-done-to- me kind of a thing. As adults we understand the psychological damage of sexual abuse, we understand the mental side of it. Most children, teenagers and even young adults-(16-21) do not have the mental maturity to understand these dimesions.
In my humble opinion we as adults need to de- emphasize the sexual aspect of the abuse and concentrate on making a child feel safe, loved and to find value in themselves by positive reinforcement and by impowering these children.And we need to take all the necessary precautions to see to it that no situations can develop in which the abuse can take place.
Of couse all of this is much easier said than done!