I am working on a video slide show for our pastors’ going away party. One of the photos shows them standing outside next to our church sign. The message on it at the time the picture was taken is:

“Change is inevitable – Growth is optional.”

Those words could not be more true if you are a foster or adoptive parent. The children in your home will change, workers will change and schedules will change. These are a given. The weather report the other day made me think of how things have changed here in the past year. A year ago we already had snow flurries by this date. I shudder at the thought of snow falling this year.

A year ago, Sammy was living at home. He had been released from his first residential placement at the end of August. We brought him home knowing that there were still going to be issues, but thought that he had learned some coping skills. It was at this time last year that he took a knife to my car and gouged a hole in the tire, and did some serious damage to the passenger door. He became physically violent and was openly defiant. I was looking for someplace to take him for respite because I knew that I could not be safe with him here. Before I was able to set up respite, he punched me in the face. I called social services to tell them everything that had happened in the previous two weeks, and they told me to call and file a police report.

The officer that showed up had been out to our home before. The officer called in to social services and the decision was made that Sammy would be taken to shelter care, so he was handcuffed and taken in. It was a scene I was all too familiar with.

He was in shelter care for a few days, when he decided to run away. He was later picked up and taken to juvenile detention. Again, another scenario I was all too familiar with. A couple of weeks later Sammy entered his second residential treatment placement.

Much has changed, but has there been any growth? No, not really. Sammy is repeating the same patterns in almost exactly the same time frame. As I mentioned in a previous blog, Sammy does not handle anniversaries well. The pattern is eerie.

10/30/05 – Sammy removed from home and placed in secure detention (juvenile jail)
10/27/06 Sammy removed from home and placed in shelter care then in secure detention
10/18/07 – Sammy removed from foster home and placed in secure detention

11/24/04- Sammy removed from home and placed in shelter care
11/20/05 – Sammy removed from home and placed in secure detention
11/13/06 – Sammy transferred to residential treatment
11/2/07 – Sammy scheduled to be transferred to new foster home

Sammy’s behaviors are much the same as they were a year ago, three years ago, or five years ago. On the surface it would seem that we have made very little difference in his life. Lying, stealing, food hoarding, impulsive behaviors, violence, and property damage continue to be staples in his life.

There has been some emotional growth. When Sammy is upset and needs to talk, he will call me. There is some degree of attachment to us. He is able to start to put words to his feelings rather than just saying he’s angry. The level of emotional growth does not match the level of chronological growth.

Is your family stuck in a circle of change, or is there growth occurring as well?

Photo credit - Our church sign