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Milwaukee has a new police chief today. While I was watching his acceptance speech, he said something that I really liked. He was talking about change and how the presidential candidates all say they’re in favor of change and he said
“Being in favor of change is about like being in favor of gravity.”
With our kids it’s different. Change can bring on anxiety attacks in them. Even small changes like a substitute teacher can bring on anxiety.
Like it or not, change is part of every day life. Some people embrace change, and some people fight it tooth and nail. A few fall in the middle. Our kids generally are the ones who fight. They have been through so many changes in their short lives that one more change seems like more than they can take.
In some ways I can relate. Our family has been going through a really tough stretch. It seems like every day brings some more bad news until I feel that I just can’t take anymore and I want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out or have a breakdown. I think our kids feel the same way about changes in their lives.
So how do you help a child deal with change when you know that change is inevitable?
The biggest key is to give your child warnings as much as possible. Whether it is about a substitute teacher, a change in routine, or a warning that they’re going to have to do something different, telling your child what is coming will help tremendously.
For school, ask the school to notify you ahead of time, if possible, about any changes so that you can tell your child. Sometimes this will be a substitute teacher, other times it may be that there is an assembly or other event that is not normally part of the child’s day.
Give your child advance notice whenever it is possible.
“Johnny, Miss Smith needs to be out tomorrow so you are going to have a different teacher. Let’s talk about how that makes you feel and how you can handle it.”
“Susie, tomorrow there is going to be an assembly at school when you would normally have gym class. I know this makes you nervous.”
“Billy, it’s going to be bedtime in ten minutes.”
Some children need warning of all changes even down to when they’re going to change from one class to another. Giving a simple “warning” saying that in ten minutes we will be putting our books away and getting out our math books can help a child who has anxiety issues. The same with mealtimes, bedtimes, or other times when a child will be expected to make a change.
Interestingly, as I was writing this blog I received a call from Sammy’s foster dad. Sammy wanted to talk to me, but his foster dad wanted to bring me up to speed on some things that had happened.
Their home changed to sort of a group home status today. We all knew this was coming. This is a good move because it gives the providers more services and allows for in-home group therapy. The team agreed that this was the best course of action. Sammy did not handle this change well and had some very bad behaviors today, including running away for about an hour when he got a consequence he didn’t like.
So, even when there is ample warning, the change can still be more than the child can handle, even when it is in their best interest.
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