I have blogged, fairly openly, about the fact that I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused. I am working on these issues and am exploring having EMDR done to help with some of my anxieties. While talking with my counselor, she recommended the book, "The Four Agreements" by don Miguel Ruiz.

I got it in an audio version and have been listening to it on my MP3 player when I am walking. It is great uninterrupted time when I don’t have to think about anything else and I can simply concentrate.

It has been incredibly enlightening both for myself, but into the minds of our kids. It has made me rethink how their early trauma has shaped who they are.

One of the things was that we all work for rewards and try to avoid consequences. As a child your rewards are usually hugs, being told that you are loved, or being told that you are a “good” child. If our kids don’t get these, why would they work toward being “good?” Chances are they are much more likely to do the things that will get them in trouble because those are the things that they get attention for. Humans are designed to need attention, especially children.

Five years ago, right in the middle of our abuse investigation, I was able to see an amazing speaker named Dr. Alan Zimmerman. He was talking about the power of negative thinking and how much it can take out of you if you are in the presence of someone who is negative. His demonstration was amazing, and it correlates to what is discussed in this book, and what I have experienced in my own life. It doesn’t take very much for someone to tell you that you are bad, stupid, fat, ugly or whatever negative word you want to insert, in order for you to truly feel that way about yourself, even if it’s not true.

Many of our kids heard these kinds of negative things in their early lives and chances are fairly likely they didn’t hear much positive to offset the negative ones. I can’t easily site the source, but I have often heard that it takes seven positives to counteract each negative. For each “you’re stupid” a child, or any person, needs to hear seven “you’re smart” in order to achieve any balance, much less building up self-esteem. If this balance doesn’t happen, you can imagine what our children feel about themselves. Heck, I’m almost forty years old and I’m still trying to undo the mental damage that has been done to me.

Another very interesting part was that you will put up with abuse only to the level that you feel that you deserve it. A strong, positive person will put up with very little. A person who has been knocked down will put up with much more. You don’t put your foot down on the abuse until it crosses that barrier. Our kids don’t have that internal “stopper” since their abuse began so young.

Whether or not you gain anything from the “Four Agreements” the early part of this book will certainly shed light on how your kids feel and why they have the issues they have. I highly recommend it.


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