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The last week or so with Hannah has been horrid. She has exhibited behaviors we have never seen before and has cranked up some behaviors that hadn’t been around for a while.
For several months Hannah has been a fun kid to be around so her behaviors took me a little bit by surprise. When they continued for several days I knew something was bothering her, but she wasn’t ready to talk about it.
Unfortunately, we are all too familiar with this issue since this is how Sammy chose to deal with emotional issues. It is not uncommon in foster and adopted kids to deal with big emotional issues this way, or emotions that they can’t figure out.
Most of us learned how to label our emotions as we were growing up. Most of our kids did not have that happen for them, and the things that they experienced are so much bigger than “normal” kid issues that they aren’t addressed in some of the things that kids learn about in school.
I had pushed Hannah several times to talk about what she was feeling, but she refused. The only thing she would tell me is that she was missing her previous family and the death of our dog made her think of them because they lost a dog too, but not while she was living there. I knew she wanted a visit but health issues have put plans for a visit on hold for now.
This also coincided with the visit by the adoption worker on Tuesday. Sammy reacted horribly to workers coming to our house, even after he was adopted. When the workers came out monthly to see Kory and Mackenzie, he was sure they were going to take him away from us. His behavior reflected his fear. He figured if they were going to take him away he might as well “go out with a bang” and came up with the worst behaviors he could think of.
This morning things finally came to a head. Hannah’s horrible behaviors continued and I told her she was staying home from school if she couldn’t act nice. This is about the worst punishment I can give her since she likes school so much, but it worked. She went up to her room and screamed at the top of her lungs for over thirty minutes. She finally came down and was ready to talk.
It turns out that Hannah had convinced herself that once the adoption was final, we weren’t going to allow her to see her previous family anymore, and her brothers and sisters would no longer be her brothers and sisters. We have never conveyed that to her, and in fact, we have said the opposite. We are very open to continuing her relationship with her “other family” as she calls them.
Once she got these feelings and fears out, she began to act like my sweet girl again. I have a feeling we’re going to have a few more episodes like this ahead of us before we finalize, and possibly after for a little while. I’m not looking forward to them. I am tired from having dealt with Sammy’s behaviors for so long and we have gotten used to have a relatively easy time with Hannah. I don’t relish going into the depths of emotion again, but I know I will. This is how our kids deal with emotions.
Our son saw an old babysitter and acted up for two days. He turned into a violent monster. We talked to him and reepeatedly told him he would be staying with us and he eventually calmed down. When the social worker heard this she told us visits with his old family were not going to happen for a long time. I think it has something to do with the open investigation of abuse she has and the fact that he gets very scared when you mention his old family.
But I would love for him to know his bio family when they get all of their issues sorted out. I agree that it is very important that children know their bio families and have contact with them.
Glad to read that you are making great strides with Hannah. Hope that Sammy’s situation would improve. Was reading an article on CNN this morning and it also shows the struggles of a family who adopted a kid with violent tendencies. At least now it is making the headlines.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/04/11/boudreau.campus.rage/index.html
Kelly,
I totally sympathize. My husband and I are staff at a group home for emotionally disturbed kids, and we are getting our first foster child from this group home. We’ve know her since she was 8 (now 11) and know the worst she can do, which usually leads to multiple restraints etc…but so far so good with us. I am hoping that a stable home environment will allow for her to express her anger in more appropriate ways. We just had a fantastic visit today. YAY!
Erin- It is sometimes hard for our kids to have a relationship with their bio family as much as we’d like to keep it open for them. It triggers major PTSD for them. I’d hold off for now and communicate through letters and keep tabs on where people are in case he wants the contact later. Right now he can’t handle it.
Ernest- Thanks for the link, it falls in line with something else I wanted to blog about, so look for more on the topic.
Hannah – Good luck with your placement. It is so good that you have realistic visions of what things will be like.