Adopting out of Birth Order? Not for me.

In a previous post I talked about a few of my ‘rules’ for accepting a placement for a new foster-adopt child.

1. I want a child younger than K
2. We do not want a sibling group
3. We did not click the OK box for African American children on our last application.
4. I would rather have physical challenges than emotional (RAD etc) ones.

So, why do I have these rules? I’m going to discuss them one by one over the next few posts….

My first self imposed rule:

I only want a child younger than K.

Sure, there are lots of older children who need forever families, and I’ve met some of those children through my fostering years. I’ve also met families who’ve adopted older children, but I’m not them.

Now that I have a daughter, almost three, it is her well being that is my first concern, and my own ability to parent.

Many parents gladly accept children the same age or older than their own children, some with great results, some with mixed results and some, well, didn’t do so well. (Nancy over at the RAD blog talks a lot about adopting out of birth order – and its impact on her family).

Hubby and I have to think about who we are, our own limitations and strengths, and how we want to build our family.

My reasoning is this:

• I love the bonding process and want to have lots of time to devote to a small child. An older child doesn’t want to stay still and be rocked and held – they are too busy living their lives, running, playing, being a child.

• K will be going to pre-school a few mornings per week sometime after the first of the year. This will give me time to bond with a new child not in school.

• K has been an only child in our home, except for one month when we had an older child staying with us. It was a disaster and I learned a lot about what I don’t want! I also learned a lot about my own parenting skills and my patience level.

• An older child always comes with a bit of history, some good, some not so good. I don’t mind the history, but I want a bit of time to integrate a child into our family without a lot of learned behavior.

• As K gets older, we will be able to take older children – but always younger than K.

There is quite a bit of research from professionals to support this -(my) point of view – and to negate it as well.

The most important thing when making a decision like this is to understand your own family dynamics.

Adoption.com has a few great articles. To start researching, look here.

Not everyone agreess with me. That’s ok. You can comment below if you want.

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