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I received a copy of Adopted Teens Only: A Survival Guide to Adolescence from the publisher. For the most part I really like this book. It is written as a book for teens to help them understand adoption issues and the feelings they have as they struggle for independence and identity.
Here’s a little bit about the author, Danea Gorbett. She’s an adult adoptee who met her birth father when she was a teenager. It was a tenuous relationship. She became a psychologist and a special needs teacher so she could work with teens who had issues similar to the issues she had as a teen.
In my opinion, the first chapter “Am I Normal?” is the best part of the book. It gives teens a chance to see that the feelings and questions they have are actually completely normal. There are issues like identity, fantasizing about birth parents, sibling rivalry, transracial adoptions and genetic questions. The part I really like is that each “question” has a section that follows it and they are labeled challenge, solution and plan. These sub sections encourage the teen to think about the issues, offers logical solutions and then help the teen form a plan to deal with these issues.
I also love the sections on search and reunion. They are well thought out, very honest and make a child think about what exactly they want from search and potentially reunion. Is the teen looking for medical information, exchange letters, answers to questions, integration of the birth parent into the child’s life and so on. It also addresses what kind of reactions a child may face when locating a birth parent. The reader is given the reality that it may not be a happy reunion and that the birth parent may not want the same things that the child does. I am glad that this potential situation is presented rather than just a fantasy.
All that being said, there are a few things I did not like about this book. First and foremost that it approaches the issue of adoption as if all children were voluntarily placed by their birth mothers as infants. It does not address the population of kids who were removed from their birth parents and suffered abuse or neglect by their birth parents. This is the population that I deal with, but the topics only deal with voluntary infant adoptions.
There is a section on birth mothers and how they feel about placing a child for adoption, but again, this assumes that the birth mother voluntarily placed the child. It also talks about the depression and grief that birth mothers feel when placing a child. While that is true in most cases, it doesn’t address the fact that some birth moms have no qualms about placing a child and have no desire to have any future contact.
The final thing I did not like was the section on adoptive parents. It is very short when there is so much more about adoptive parents to be said. I have a very strong suspicion that the author has some unresolved issues with her adoptive parents. I felt some anger toward birth parents while I was reading it, and when I read the sections out loud to my husband he agreed. The chapter assumes that adoptive parents do not want to talk to their children adopt adoption or their birth parents. It also talks quite a bit about the adoptive mom having unresolved fertility issues. It really rubbed me the wrong way and I felt like I had to defend adoptive parents.
Overall, I think the book is good and would certainly get good discussion going with parents and children. I think it will also help teens to understand that what they are feeling is normal and that many other adoptees feel the same way. If you have a teen I would get the book and read it before you give it to your child. It may help your child with some serious issues and give you some insight into what questions and feelings your child might be having.
Photo credit – The book I received
