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Faith has been writing some terrific blogs on the resiliency of children. Personally, I hate that saying, but I love Faith’s blogs.
Many people say that it’s OK to move a child several times, because kids are resilient and they will recover. Kids in foster care have already been through horrible events, and moving them because they are “resilient” just leads to more horror. They are “marked” for life by the events that they have already endured.
This leads to the question – Should abuse survivors be allowed to adopt abused children? My answer is YES! You see, I am an abuse survivor. Here is my history.
Warning: Very personal information and may be considered graphic.
I was sexually abused the first time when I was about five years old. I was forced to perform oral sex on a male babysitter in order to receive my night time snack. When I was about eight, I was repeatedly raped and drugged by another male babysitter. (I hate the word molested because it doesn’t adequately describe what happened. If it happened to an adult it would be rape, so let’s call it what it is with a child instead of trying to put a more polite word on it)
My mother physically abused me until I was about ten years old, and has emotionally abused me my entire life.
It has now been almost thirty years since my sexual abuse and I can still see the pictures in my head. Some are much more clear than others. I have several memories of my mother kicking me in the stomach and back, hitting me belts and fly swatters and being slapped, and I won’t describe the pictures of my sexual abuse.
In a backward way, these memories and feelings help me with my kids. I know that two of the four kids that I have cared for have been sexually abused, and we suspect a third, but there is no information in the file to support it. I know what these kids feel, the memories they have and the anger that lives in them. I understand their pain in a way that only another survivor can.
For the most part, I am healed from my abuse. The memories won’t leave, and at this point in my life I’m not sure that I want them to, but they no longer control me. This is what I want to teach my kids. How to live with the memories and make the most of your life. How to use this experience to make you stronger.
Yes, there is concern over continuing the cycle of abuse. But, there are those of us who are determined to change things. Imagine if we said that every child in foster care would not be allowed to adopt when they reach adulthood. Or stretch it even more and say that those children can never be parents because they might some day become abusers. I think we’d lose out on some pretty fantastic parents.
There are some children who will not be good parents. Their past has scarred them too much, and they are unable to let go of the anger and let themselves have a reciprocal relationship, but I don’t think there should ever be a blanket statement that abuse survivors can’t be parents or adoptive parents. The world will lose out.
(((((((( Kelly ))))))))
I know how much courage it took for you to post your story, and I commend you for doing so. I agree — Abuse survivors who have done the hard work of healing make some of the BEST parents, particularly for parenting children who have been through similar traumas. You are correct — there is no way for a person who has not been through it to fully understand.
“Many people say that it’s OK to move a child several times, because kids are resilient and they will recover.”
This bothers me, too. I am using the term “resilience” on my blog because that is the term that many people use for the topic I am covering. However, too many people use children’s “resiliency” as an excuse to avoid taking their feelings into consideration. Why would we expect five year old children to make adjustments that would be hard for adults? I would have trouble living in a new house with new people every 6 months, so why would I assume a child would be okay with this?
“(I hate the word molested because it doesn’t adequately describe what happened. If it happened to an adult it would be rape, so let’s call it what it is with a child instead of trying to put a more polite word on it)”
AMEN!! I HATE the term “molest.” That word means “to bother,” and it was much more than “bothersome” to be raped, particularly by people whose body parts were signficantly larger proportionately. An adult woman will never experience the same feeling of having someone 4 times her size assault her body, so why is it “rape” for her but only “molest” for a child? It makes no sense.
“In a backward way, these memories and feelings help me with my kids… I know what these kids feel, the memories they have and the anger that lives in them. I understand their pain in a way that only another survivor can.”
I don’t see this as a “backward” way — I see it as a very DIRECT way. You have similar memories and emotions to what they have, which puts you in a unique position of understanding them in a way that most people cannot.
“For the most part, I am healed from my abuse. The memories won’t leave, and at this point in my life I’m not sure that I want them to, but they no longer control me.”
The abuse memories never “go away,” but they lose their power. Unhealed memories elicit the same powerful emotions that you felt when the event happened. Healed memories are more like scars — you can still see them, but they no longer have power over you. I can now talk about most of my experiences without crying or getting overly emotional because I have already grieved the pain and processed the anger. I would never want to forget because, if I did, I would lose the gift of offering other people the hope of healing like I did.
“Yes, there is concern over continuing the cycle of abuse. But, there are those of us who are determined to change things.”
Only 1 in 10 abuse survivors abuse others. I have quoted this statistic w/a link to the source several times on my blogs. Considering that 90% never abuse another child, it would be unreasonable to prevent abuse survivors from adopting because of what they experienced. Also, healed abuse survivors make some of the BEST parents.
“but I don’t think there should ever be a blanket statement that abusers can’t be parents or adoptive parents.”
I think this was a typo and you meant to say “abuse survivors,” not “abusers.” :0)
FABULOUS post!!
- Faith
Thanks Faith, and thanks for pointing out the typo. YIKES!!
Thanks for sharing, Kelly. You are an awesome Mom!!! Your honesty can help those of us without such experience to better relate to our hurting kids.
wow.
I too am an abuse surviver. Our stories sound similar, yet different.
When we talk about fostering a child, I know that I cannot handle a child that has been sexually abused because I’m not sure I am emotionally ready to tackle that situation. Maybe someday.
Kelly, all I can do is thank you for posting your story with such candid honesty. I can’t imagine it was easy but I’m sure your honesty will help many others. Thank you.
Thanks everyone. Really, it is not hard for me to talk about this. The trauma is over, and the only way I CAN help someone is to talk about it.
I wouldn’t ever want to go through it again, but if something good can come from it, then great.
Erin- If you are considering fostering, chances are highly likely that you will get a child who has been sexually abused. The last statistic I saw said that 85% of the kids in foster care have been sexually abused, whether it was before they came into care, or yes, even while they are in care.
Kelly, I really hope both you and Faith will continue to talk about what you did in childhood to help get through the memories and emotions. What worked, what did adults do that helped you and what do you wish adults would have done. Those of us without your background raise our kids who have been abused the best we can. We don’t have your background, you are both in a unique position to help the rest of us. Thanks for a great post. John
Kelly, this should be a wake up call to all parents to consider their babysitters very carefully. If your child doesn’t like a particular babysitter, consider changing. My nephew had similar interactions with an older stepbrother who babysat for him. My cousins were repeatedly raped by our step-grandfather during babysitting. Even if you think it is a person you know, look to your child for ques. They can’t always tell you what is going on. Thanks for sharing your story.
{{{{Kelly}}}} Thank you for your thoughtul and inspiring post. You have a terrific way with words! You are to be commended for your selflessness.
I am an abuse survivor also. Would you be willing to address some of the things you did to heal, and how that has impacted your willingness and ability to try and help heal other wounded children?
It is interesting to me how many of us are abuse survivors, I am also one myself. I think many of us who have been able to rise above our past situation, have gone on to try to help children in some way.
Kelly, thank you for sharing your story, you are indeed an amazing survivor!
Are there “safe” ways to find out if an agency or program you are interested in working with will work with you if you are a survivor, and/or are there “rights” that survivor has on his/her side to proceed with an adoption even if the agency is skeptical?