Disruption/Dissolution

I'm the "good news" type of blogger generally.  I like to tell the happy stories, the warm and fuzzy stuff.  But let's face it, raising kids is not always that way. In fact, even in good times, it's work.  With foster kids -- and again, just being honest -- there is (often) more work.  Hard work.  Eye-opening work. Take the case of Jim.  Jim's family adopted a sibling group of 5 about 2 years ago.  At the time of adoption, the group contains 2 teens and the youngest was 5 .  They are all boys.   They were not always together but had been parceled out amongst various family members.  The middle one of these kids had been sexually abused by a "family… [more]

It is difficult for many parents to think about fostering a child and then letting them go. The parents struggle with the situations that the child is returning to and often have formed a bond to each child. The tender hearted cannot envision how anyone can let a child go back to less than perfect conditions. This is not always the case; they do not always go back to their parents. There are some times that the child's biological family cannot figure out how to regain their own lives and the child is placed permanently with the foster family in an foster/adoption situation. A lot of people desiring to adopt become foster parents in hope that they will be able to adopt their… [more]

In November, we adopted a sibling group of three. The oldest of this group is a boy we call “The Captain” and he turned 4 years old just last Monday.  The Captain has attachment issues, likely due to the fact that the move to our home a year ago was his sixth move  He was not yet three years old. I met the attachment therapist (finally) last week -- and tomorrow the two of us go together.  She expressed concern over his impending visit with bio-mom.  I have been thinking about it ever since and finally talked to Dear Hubby about it. We now have quarterly visits so our last visit was in January.  After that visit, he was having outbursts at home and… [more]

In my last post I wrote about my spunky daughter.  Despite the ups and downs, which come when parenting a child with attachment issues, we were committed to her and wanted nothing more than to make her a permanent member of our family. After two years the state took her from our house in a move that still effects me. This is a poem I wrote in her honor shortly after she left us. To this day she is still waiting for a forever home. I lost my daughter today. Sadness threatens to overwhelm me. Grief consumes my every thought. Pain fills my entire body. The words send a shock to my heart. My legs fail me as I fall to the floor Knowing it was to come, Realizing it… [more]

“You have big milk holders.”  The first words my daughter ever spoke to me will forever bring a smile to my face.  A little black girl with frizzy hair sneaking up to see a sight she had never imagined, much less seen.  A mother nursing her infant son, giving all that she could to nourish the small babe. I think if I had to pinpoint a moment where I fell in love with her it would be right then.  Knowing nothing about her other then her sweet curiosity that drew her to my side.  We were at a foster care meeting and she was with her present foster mother, it would be almost five months before we were to meet again.  At… [more]

When it comes to terminating a placement, there are some big questions involved. How/what do you tell the child? This is the hardest part of the whole process. The kids know that they have bad behavior so trying to sugar coat things is not going to benefit anyone. The kids will see right through it. You can tell the child the truth without being harsh. When we talked with Hannah we approached it from the standpoint of what was best for her. We also talked to her as a group. It was my husband and me along with her previous parents. We told her that we knew she was not happy in her previous home and that she needed to be… [more]

There was a great set of questions posed on the adoption.com forums. It seems that the placement of this child is not working out and the parents are going to ask for the child to be moved. This is a very difficult situation for everyone involved. The questions the poster asked are very valid and some that many parents have. How do you tell the social worker? The best option is to be honest. Minimizing a child’s issues or what makes them a bad fit for your home will only lead to more disrupted placements, either for you or the child. There are many reasons why a placement may need to be terminated. The child could be dangerous to you or… [more]

The terms disruption and dissolution each have specific meanings, however, disruption is used interchangeably to cover both situations. It is an extremely emotional decision for both the family, and the child, and not one to be taken lightly. Do not take a child into your home thinking “if it doesn’t work out, we can just disrupt.” The matching process should be done with extreme caution, and lots of thought. Every move that a child goes through, leaves emotional scars. That being said, there are times when a disruption or dissolution can not be prevented, and is in the best interest of everyone involved. If you decide not to continue the placement, and the adoption has not been finalized yet, this is… [more]

I first met Stephen Hayes about a year and a half ago. We were looking at adopting a child who was coming from a disruption (not Hannah) and my friend, Elaine, referred me to him. After our initial phone conversation, I checked out the website of his law firm and found that Stephen Hayes had received the Angels in Adoption award in 2005. When I first met Steve, we spent a little bit of time talking about the potential adoption, and what the procedures were. He asked us some questions about our background with kids and did we know what we might be getting with this child. I explained all my work with attachment disorder… [more]

I haven’t blogged in a couple of days because our house has been in complete turmoil. Sammy was home on a pass for the weekend, and things did not go well. You may read the details here. I was tense all weekend and kept Sammy within line of sight at all times, or in his room with the alarm on. The constant yo-yo that we are on with him has us contemplating the D word. I don’t mean divorce or Dallas, I mean disruption. Actually, in technical terms it would be a dissolution, since the adoption was finalized 8 years ago, but the word disruption is used interchangeably. I never thought that word… [more]